Love. Self. Entirely.

Changes All Around

Well, I’ve decided; I believe right now that I need to scale back my posting. I’m going to utilize the 3 posts a week method (even though I may post little snippets the other two days). Why do you ask? Well, between work (fulltime, teaching pole and casino) not to mention my two a week blogging for herproblog.com as well as preparing for the GRE, I’m swamped! I also want to work on promoting my site some more as well as checking out different blogs so I can start expanding my content into different arenas OR start a separate blog specifically for that. Still, by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer right now, my baby browns need the rest so that's a small portion of it as well. 

Not to mention, I’m applying to two PHD programs and I need to write for that, so yes, I’ll have to slow down on my blogging as of late. Which I’m sad about but I do need to give myself a break, my mind has been approaching meltdown for weeks and it’s finally arrived in all it’s glory. This time I can’t afford to lay around in mush for a day or two like usual because I have to train for roller derby, the GRE, apply to schools, etc. -- you get the idea.

Outside of that, I have some good news – let’s hope it comes to fruition. Guess where I might be going? Here is the flag to help with the cause.

One Olympic Nation

Who has been watching the Olympics? I’m obsessed, I can’t lie; I feel hopeful watching the games because it’s the only time when things seem kosher amongst all the nations.

While the cameras are on, anyway.

Yet, at least all the competitors are contributing to something, they are a figure for their country and their demeanor, the sportsman like conduct are beacons that highlight what is proverbially good about their country. I find it awing to not only be a spokesperson for your country but also be as equally proud that you are in that position.

The Skating Push Over?

I believe my mind is quickly approaching burnout. I tend to do this to myself; multi-tasking multiple projects until my mind has no choice but to shut down, reducing me into a puddle of glop on the floor!

So today, I am said glop but I plan to keep it together to discuss something that I have a problem with.

I call it the struggle of the nice-itis.

Saturday, one lovely ARG skater decided to loan me her skates so I can practice on good derby skates for assessments; in her eyes my current skates are the “devil” and should be confiscated for use in hell only. Yes, they are that serious about skates; so I gladly put outdoors wheels on my crappy skates and now I use hers for my skating use.

So Saturday, there I was skating or attempting to skate on these new skates; what I didn’t expect was to relearn (albeit, quicker) this time how to skate around the rink. Another ARG member came up to me and decided to make it her M.O. to help me. It was nice of her, I’ll admit to that BUT her way of helping me wasn’t conducive to how I learn. In fact, I felt like I was going backwards in my skating progress instead of forward, not to mention she was making me nervous – which wrecks my skating that much more.

So, the brash part of me wanted to yell, “Step the HELL off!” Yet, the rational side of me kept that from escaping out of my mouth because she was on the ARG team and I’m sure they talk…A LOT about the “fresh meat”, so I don’t want to ruffle any feathers – so I grinned and bared it.

Yet, even that resolution bothered me. Being that I’m starting to wane myself off my aggressive tendencies, I’m trying to figure out how to implement assertive traits without my feeling guilty. Being that people can be sensitive especially when they feel they are trying to help, how do you broach the topic with someone without ruffling feathers?

How do I tell you to back the HELL up but do it nicely? I have a tendency of being too blunt and I don’t want to take that approach because not everyone is down with that.

If anyone has any insight, please share! I really need to figure this out because I don’t want to come off as a pushover but I don’t want to be viewed as the unknown, disruptive cannon either. 

Musings Of A First Time Juror

Sorry for being scarce as of late. I think this week will prove to be a very hectic week. Between jury duty, my own traffic court date, car stuff and of course, work stuff I have been doing my best to keep afloat.

Also, I have upped my skating quotient. Tryouts are at the end of September so I’ve been trying to skate for as long as I can…when I can.

Suffice it to say, I’m behind. I’m okay with that, though because I know I’ll catch up to my workload eventually (meaning, over the weekend, I’m sure).

So, Tuesday I had to go appear for jury duty. I have never been called before, I didn’t know what to expect and I wasn’t looking forward to going, actually. I had to appear early and stay in this one room until we were called down for jury questioning. I eventually got called and off I went to a courtroom to be interviewed. It was a long, tedious process and I don’t wish it on anyone but after all the questions were answered to the attorney’s liking; I ended up being selected for the jury!

Bad news: The trial started right after I was selected. The trial was on a DUI, the man was around my age and he was convicted with 4 different counts. I sat there in the jury box as both sides presented evidence about this guy who was driving drunk. I kept thinking of how many people I know that has done similar, that I have done similar (sadly) and that this could have easily been me at one point in time.

How one thing can quickly change your life and impact it for better or worse. In a span of an hour, this man had been arrested, had his license suspended for a year and of course, had to go to court to try his case. This will be on his permanent record, and it was all for nothing. He didn’t have to drive; he chose too (just like anyone else who is in a similar situation).

I think it hit me how your actions truly have consequences (whether good or bad) and how things can quickly change your life forever.

I just hope I wasn't the only person learning a lesson.

Unintentional-Manifestation? Does that happen?

You know, I think I might buy the book “Laws of Attraction”, I know about some of the principles but nothing concrete but after this interesting week, maybe someone up there is telling is me something.

Well, Jen at SCW has been beating it into our minds (nicely, of course) about intention-manifestation, I personally loved the concept but I didn’t think there was anything really realistic that I could intently manifest and apply it to my life.

Deal Breakin'

My last post touched on settling and how I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen to me. At the same time, I don’t want to be overly picky. My aunt used the term ‘selective’, you should have some morals; Jen from SemiCharmed Wife stated that you should have “dealbreakers” when it comes to relationships (in particularly, romantic).

It then popped into my head, where are my deal breakers not just in regards to romance but in my life in general. I have spent countless years putting on my best face and doing what was expected of me. Now that I’m taking an active initiative to understand the person I am now, I’ve decided to discuss some of my KEY life dealbreakers (these cover all aspects of my life). If 

1. Honesty - There was a point in my life where I wasn't a trustworthy person. It stemmed from not wanting to be truly myself and broadcasting the image of myself that I felt others wanted. I don't like to admit but I was dishonest; I lied to myself and others because I didn't want them to see the person that I was; I didn't feel the real me was worthy. So I was often dishonest but I believe in karma, so the dishonesty I was putting out there I definitely got back. Thankfully, I came around --and losing mom-- certified that I couldn't let others be free to be who they are and not allow myself the same courtesy. If I can accept people completely; I should receive the same as well. 

Which leads into number 2...

2. Acceptance - I never felt like I really belonged, even in my own family. It has taken a long time to get to where I am (and I still have more to go). I always encourage others to keep it "real" with me, I don't want to know the "representative" of a person; I want it all out there because I'll give you the same. I know how it feels to be constantly judged so I always try my best to be as open as possible. 

3. Respect - Chances are that if you are in my life than I respect you. For years, I have allowed people to infiltrate my inner cypher whom I respected but didn't do the same. Friends, family and relationships; I sought to find myself through others and often I ended being the faithful doormat. 

These I believe are my main three that stem across all the types of relationships in my life. I'm sure I'll add more to the romantic relationships, family relationships, work, etc., but at the core this is what I expect from the people who I interact with because that's what I'm giving back to you. 

Anyone else struggling with their overall dealbreakers in their life? Anyone struggling with implementing them? I admit, in some situations it's harder for me to stick to my guns more than others but I'm forcing myself even when I don't want too. 

Wednesday Rant: Settle or not to Settle?

I’m sitting here right now drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee NOT because I like the taste but I need the caffeine today.

Last night, my friend from prior posts (I should give her a clever pseudonym) called me in a fit. The guy hasn’t been changing quite like she thought he would so that they can be together. Granted, it hasn’t been a week yet but at the same time this guy KNEW what he was doing.

So she decided to walk away from the relationship last night, for how long; I’m not certain. After of course, writing a long closure email.

This is where my rant starts.

The Movie In My Mind

I spent all of Sunday in bed, which I believe is one of my 101 Things to do in 1001 days, even though it was nice; it’s not something I could see myself doing a lot. I like to move around too much.

I did catch up on some good movies, though.

I guess I enjoy it because I can turn my mind off and coast. Today –I’m ashamed to admit this—I was in a love, romantic mood. For some, that may be a big deal but to the ones in the know, I’m sure they had a chuckle or two. I’m very romantic adverse—not a fan at all but I got sucked into watching old clips from General Hospital  (shh. I used to be a soap junkie, too).

Contact With The Rink Floor

I have to admit it. Next to pole dancing—which will always be a first love of mine—I LOVE Roller derby. Saturday, they had their first workshop and I got all suited up to partake in the skating melee. I, of course, fell a couple of times; I’m learning to fall the derby way, so I won’t get hurt…as much. I loved it though, of course I got slightly frustrated because I can skate but I can’t derby skate and I wasn’t as good as I wanted to be.

Oh, the life of a perfectionist. And as soon as that thought escaped my mind all the negative thoughts came rushing back that I wasn’t good enough and I won’t make it. This time I squished them as soon as they started to permeate my derby filled thoughts.

The truth is, I’m not as great as I could be because I haven’t been practicing like I should. I can (and will) get better but it will take time – and plenty of falls, of course.

I will be honest that I do want to make a derby team but right now, I can’t have that be my focus. The destination (real or imagined) can’t be what keeps me motivated because I’ll forget about the journey that I’m currently on.

So, I have to accept that I will fall in derby, I’ll look like a fool and the only thing I can do is pop back up and keep on skating.

That philosophy is what I’m doing my best to keep that mantra in mind. No matter how great of a skater (or anything) you are, there will come a time when you’ll be wiped out. Whether you are going too fast or you are just standing there, things could just give out and down you go. It’s your choice to lay there as others skate past you or you can pop yourself on up and keep moving.

No one is perfect.  

I think that’s why I enjoy skating. Everyone will fall out one point and time but you’ll get back up (especially if you are in derby or else your ass will get trampled over but I digress) but in the process, you are getting stronger.

What do you think?

How was everyone’s weekend? Anything new or exciting (or both) happen?

Love Versus Your Spirituality

I had another blog post ready for today but I have to cast that one aside. Mainly, because this week my mind has been thrown into all these thoughts and I’m really trying my best to sort out of my feelings on it.

I plan to do some researching on this topic. Last night, I had a yahoo chat with my friend and I was discussing my social media idea that has been swimming around in my mind. Somehow, we ended talking about spirituality and how it incorporates with the love you have for yourself and others.

My stance when it comes to relationships (romantic or otherwise) is that you need to love yourself or else you won’t be able to love anybody else. I hold firm to this because I know it to be true –at least it was, in my case.