Pontificating at a Picnic

I’m feeling introspective during my usual lurking around my blogroll; so I decided to go into one of the archives of one of my personal favorites!

Being that I’m on this quest, one that I’m not sure how it’s going to end I often find myself in juxtaposition with myself. In that, when I find myself taking two steps forward; it seems the self destructive part of my brain chimes in (and I tend to listen) and I go stumbling back towards what is safe and familiar.

So luck has it that I came across Jen’s of Semicharmedwife’s post on “wanting” to be healthy. To me, my being healthy is more than just the physical (even though that means a lot) but mentally as well. I feel sometimes that my subconscious tends to play with me and depending on how strong I’m feeling that particular day dictates what the outcome may be.

Part of me wonders if I’ll always struggle with that part of my personality or would I continue making strides, fall back on what’s comfortable and make excuses for the things that I’ve done.

No. That’s not what I want to do. I want to be healthy more than anything. So, I need to live like I’m already where I want to be.

If I get into graduate school in London and it works with my schedule, I won’t talk myself out of it because it’s something new; I will allow myself that once in a lifetime experience. If I don’t end up being accepted into a program that I can do but I get admitted into a program here, I’ll allow myself to experience that too.

I won’t let myself be my own worse enemy; I won’t put my dreams on hold because someone may not approve.  (This will be my new mantra—maybe I should make a mantra collage of some kind.)

I don’t believe I’m punishing myself because I feel I’m a bad person; I wouldn’t even classify it as ‘punishing’, per se; I think its more about my learning to retrain old thought patterns to accept all the good that life has to offer, instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe may drop but I can’t go through life waiting for it too when that may not happen for some time.

If I can help others move towards the supposed purpose in life, why can’t I do the same for myself? In my PIA, my therapist noted that it seems that my support network is a little on the low side. Honestly, until he made me aware of it; it never dawned on me but outside 1 or 2 friends in real time (and, of course all who read this) there is no one else that I lean on when it comes to pursuing my dreams or anything along those lines.

Which is not something I’m sorry about; it’s more that I have to learn to others help me instead of thinking I can do it alone all the time.

I have read so many stories or little snippets about certain writers of the blogosphere and some of the things that they have experienced have been mesmerizing for sure. I remember having that fire; that passion, the question is when did it dissipate?

When did I become afraid, when did I decide to let others live my life for me?

And now that I’m reclaiming it back and I’m feeling passionate about myself and this life again; part of me feels that where I was before was wasted time but I’m trying to train myself to think positively, so “it was time well spent to get me to where I need to be, right now.”

The things your mind focuses on when you are hanging out with family.