Which is where I currently am. Everything around me is so familiar I could grate my teeth (I know, extreme) but at least the sensation would be something new. I realize now that the impulsive side of my personality is shining brightly through and being that I tend to get carried away when that happens, I’m doing my best to talk myself down from that mental cliff. Yet, I'm afraid to throw it all the way to the wind and go wear my heart follows because I'm extremely worried about life's repercussions. At the end of it, I mentally know that I could survive a lot of things; my question is: but at what cost?
I believe one of my problems is that I’m feeling way too comfortable and my go-getter mentality is at war with my maternal side. Ever since my mother passed away, I had shut my ‘drive’ off and focused on keeping myself alive. I let life come to me the way that it wanted and I just rolled with the punches. Some this way of life came second nature to me, it was the only way I could breathe or function.
On one side, I see how that way of existing crippled me because my personal growth came to a stand still but again I tapped into my survivor instincts and learned that I will do what it takes to stand on my own.
I remember losing (ok, I was fired) from my first out of college full time job for a music hooks production company. It was fun at first but soon after my mom passed away, my feelings of working there slowly started to change. Even though I worked in a small office environment –I was oven talked down too and never felt as part of the team not to mention I was going through losing my mother suddenly. I ended up getting the can, I believe two weeks before Christmas and my dad’s second wedding—that’s a story in itself!
So, Christmas gifts were out. I had to fly back to Maryland for a wedding I didn’t care to attend and after that, I’d be coming home to NO job. Excellent. What did I do? I laughed. I felt free that I was out of that hellhole of a job and that my vacation was extended more than I realized. I allowed myself time to sleep in and brace myself for my father’s wedding; I got myself together…for the first in God knows how long.
When I got back from Maryland, I hit the ground running. I cleaned houses, I sold items that I didn't need; I worked extra casino gigs to supplement my income –I did what I had to do because I didn’t have a choice. I had to eat, I had to pay rent; I couldn’t let life pass me by as I felt sorry for myself.
Truthfully, leaving that job was a blessing in disguise. In less than a month, I received the job that I currently hold now that has caused me more growth and experience that cutting music hooks would never be able to provide (I do miss the free music, though).
What I’m struggling with now is how to balance my survivor instinct with discovering my purpose in this life especially with the ‘evil eye of complacency’ breathing down my neck.
To all who read this: How did you discover your purpose and how do you keep yourself motivated?
I feel once I get a more concrete of that purpose, I can focus on it and bring it into fruition but maybe I’m making this more complicated than necessary. I have no clue.
