Love. Self. Entirely.

Deal Breakin'

My last post touched on settling and how I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen to me. At the same time, I don’t want to be overly picky. My aunt used the term ‘selective’, you should have some morals; Jen from SemiCharmed Wife stated that you should have “dealbreakers” when it comes to relationships (in particularly, romantic).

It then popped into my head, where are my deal breakers not just in regards to romance but in my life in general. I have spent countless years putting on my best face and doing what was expected of me. Now that I’m taking an active initiative to understand the person I am now, I’ve decided to discuss some of my KEY life dealbreakers (these cover all aspects of my life). If 

1. Honesty - There was a point in my life where I wasn't a trustworthy person. It stemmed from not wanting to be truly myself and broadcasting the image of myself that I felt others wanted. I don't like to admit but I was dishonest; I lied to myself and others because I didn't want them to see the person that I was; I didn't feel the real me was worthy. So I was often dishonest but I believe in karma, so the dishonesty I was putting out there I definitely got back. Thankfully, I came around --and losing mom-- certified that I couldn't let others be free to be who they are and not allow myself the same courtesy. If I can accept people completely; I should receive the same as well. 

Which leads into number 2...

2. Acceptance - I never felt like I really belonged, even in my own family. It has taken a long time to get to where I am (and I still have more to go). I always encourage others to keep it "real" with me, I don't want to know the "representative" of a person; I want it all out there because I'll give you the same. I know how it feels to be constantly judged so I always try my best to be as open as possible. 

3. Respect - Chances are that if you are in my life than I respect you. For years, I have allowed people to infiltrate my inner cypher whom I respected but didn't do the same. Friends, family and relationships; I sought to find myself through others and often I ended being the faithful doormat. 

These I believe are my main three that stem across all the types of relationships in my life. I'm sure I'll add more to the romantic relationships, family relationships, work, etc., but at the core this is what I expect from the people who I interact with because that's what I'm giving back to you. 

Anyone else struggling with their overall dealbreakers in their life? Anyone struggling with implementing them? I admit, in some situations it's harder for me to stick to my guns more than others but I'm forcing myself even when I don't want too. 

Wednesday Rant: Settle or not to Settle?

I’m sitting here right now drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee NOT because I like the taste but I need the caffeine today.

Last night, my friend from prior posts (I should give her a clever pseudonym) called me in a fit. The guy hasn’t been changing quite like she thought he would so that they can be together. Granted, it hasn’t been a week yet but at the same time this guy KNEW what he was doing.

So she decided to walk away from the relationship last night, for how long; I’m not certain. After of course, writing a long closure email.

This is where my rant starts.

The Movie In My Mind

I spent all of Sunday in bed, which I believe is one of my 101 Things to do in 1001 days, even though it was nice; it’s not something I could see myself doing a lot. I like to move around too much.

I did catch up on some good movies, though.

I guess I enjoy it because I can turn my mind off and coast. Today –I’m ashamed to admit this—I was in a love, romantic mood. For some, that may be a big deal but to the ones in the know, I’m sure they had a chuckle or two. I’m very romantic adverse—not a fan at all but I got sucked into watching old clips from General Hospital  (shh. I used to be a soap junkie, too).

Contact With The Rink Floor

I have to admit it. Next to pole dancing—which will always be a first love of mine—I LOVE Roller derby. Saturday, they had their first workshop and I got all suited up to partake in the skating melee. I, of course, fell a couple of times; I’m learning to fall the derby way, so I won’t get hurt…as much. I loved it though, of course I got slightly frustrated because I can skate but I can’t derby skate and I wasn’t as good as I wanted to be.

Oh, the life of a perfectionist. And as soon as that thought escaped my mind all the negative thoughts came rushing back that I wasn’t good enough and I won’t make it. This time I squished them as soon as they started to permeate my derby filled thoughts.

The truth is, I’m not as great as I could be because I haven’t been practicing like I should. I can (and will) get better but it will take time – and plenty of falls, of course.

I will be honest that I do want to make a derby team but right now, I can’t have that be my focus. The destination (real or imagined) can’t be what keeps me motivated because I’ll forget about the journey that I’m currently on.

So, I have to accept that I will fall in derby, I’ll look like a fool and the only thing I can do is pop back up and keep on skating.

That philosophy is what I’m doing my best to keep that mantra in mind. No matter how great of a skater (or anything) you are, there will come a time when you’ll be wiped out. Whether you are going too fast or you are just standing there, things could just give out and down you go. It’s your choice to lay there as others skate past you or you can pop yourself on up and keep moving.

No one is perfect.  

I think that’s why I enjoy skating. Everyone will fall out one point and time but you’ll get back up (especially if you are in derby or else your ass will get trampled over but I digress) but in the process, you are getting stronger.

What do you think?

How was everyone’s weekend? Anything new or exciting (or both) happen?

Love Versus Your Spirituality

I had another blog post ready for today but I have to cast that one aside. Mainly, because this week my mind has been thrown into all these thoughts and I’m really trying my best to sort out of my feelings on it.

I plan to do some researching on this topic. Last night, I had a yahoo chat with my friend and I was discussing my social media idea that has been swimming around in my mind. Somehow, we ended talking about spirituality and how it incorporates with the love you have for yourself and others.

My stance when it comes to relationships (romantic or otherwise) is that you need to love yourself or else you won’t be able to love anybody else. I hold firm to this because I know it to be true –at least it was, in my case.

Possible Mutterings of a New Blog?

I missed my usual Wednesday rant, which with how I was feeling yesterday – it would have been a very long post.

My car decided to temporarily bite the dust (at least, I hope it’s temporary) now anyone who knows how Atlanta is knows that not having a car is quite detrimental because everything is so spread out. So of course I cried for a little bit, okay, a lot – I’ll be honest. I sat and stared at my computer screen, a friend called me to discuss something and I had to get off the phone because I just wasn’t feeling it.

I hate car troubles, I really do. Not to even mention that July has been such an financial drain to make matters worse, my shiny, silver bullet of a car had to bite it.

So what am I doing? Well, today…nothing. I asked my brother if we could carpool until my car is fixed, he seems okay with it. I told my casino folks that might be late (I’m never late) to parties because I don’t have my own ride and I have to find ways to get around in advance. I plan on jumping my car tomorrow or Sunday and then dropping it off at the mechanic to have it worked on. I hope it’s nothing expensive but right now, I really have no idea.

And oddly enough, I’m fine with that. I’ve done all I can afford to do, right now. I plan on getting my car worked on next week because I DO need to have it but right now, I can’t do anything so I will not stress myself further.

I also have a finance buddy who I’ll be held accountable too. Every thing I spend, I have to keep the receipt and we will discuss it every Friday until my habit gets more in control. I actually might start another blog dedicated to my finances but I’m worried that keeping up with two blogs and guest blogging on another site might throw me off.

Anyone else deal with two or more blogs? How is it working for you? Am I crazy to embark on this caper or should I try to import some spending widgets into this blog? As you can see, I haven’t thought about this all the way through so I’m just throwing it out there right now.

 

 

 

How Do You Learn to Complete Yourself?

Ok, so I wore my bikini. I posted it for all to see and I have to say again, that I love Charleston! It’s very beautiful and it doesn’t seem as Southern as most of the cities in these parts (“in these parts”…what the heck?)

I went with my best friend Miriam, whom I love and adore and we ended up camping out in the main room and just having the typical girl all night sleepover.

What did we focus on? Well, I discussed my career, my plateau and how I’m thinking on how to go about shaking that up. She listened, gave me her insight (she told me about some federal jobs that are hiring, I might try applying), academic programs to look into—which I will and she reinforced that I’m ahead of the eight ball for someone my age BUT I do need to focus and stop second guessing myself.

What did I help her with? Men problems, of course.  I find it funny that people come to me for these kinds of issues when I don’t feel that I’m well qualified at all. I just know how to listen and speak in an empathetic way, which may be hard for most to do (I guess). `

I wish I knew what to say to ease her pain and frustration because while she stood before me with her emotions intertwined and exposed for me to see all I could think was “that here is this strong, educated, independent black woman that owns her own house, car is paid for and she has her self worth wrapped up in some man.”

She’s thirty. Thirty in no way shape or form means that you are grown up and that people still don’t get hurt, that’s not what I’m saying. What drives me is that she’s such a good, loving person and it saddens me that it’s hard for her to find someone who appreciates that and sees it as a gift. It’s sad to me that she doesn’t see herself as a true gift.

It bothers me that black women—me included-- can have it “going on” all our ducks can be in that proverbial row and in swoops a man or significant other and ‘BOOM’ everything you’ve worked for, all that you stand for goes toppling out the window.

Why do we do that? What shifts within us that causes all our self worth to instantly crumble even when we know that we deserve better? This is something that is starting to bother me the older that I get. As I look around and see my friends and I enter into relationships that should have ended a long time ago, having children with men who don’t promise us anything but selfish lies (I have a girlfriend in that situation right now, it bothers me so much). 

How do we as women learn to appreciate ourselves by OURSELVES and never lose that feeling? Is it something you find before you get married or after? Is it something women learn early on from the men in their lives? I wish I could pin point it for me exactly, it would have saved me some time.

Ok, Valley Girl!

I have been procrastinating with putting my pictures up from my one day of photo documentation because I just have a lot of my mind right now.

Nothing good or bad – truthfully, July was HELLISH for me financially but all should start looking up at the end of this week, at least I hope so. Screw, that – they will; things just take time.

Not to mention, recently I have been immersed in CNN’s “Black In America” series. At times heart wrenching, thought provoking and angering it makes me step back and examine myself in the scheme of it all.

I think a series like this, truthfully should be a weekly show but even then I wonder how many people (black, in particular) are ready and willing to hear this message? Am I truly ready to deal with some of my issues that being “black” in america has caused?

In Charleston, my friend and I were talking about being black and how we are viewed at times. I probably couldn’t tally up how many times I was made fun of because I sound like a “Valley Girl”, since speaking properly didn’t seem to be a good thing. There were other issues that often got pegged and I'm sure I'll discuss them later but I always remember my way of speaking being the first (and usually the longest) issue people seemed to have with me. 

I struggled with that a lot, I grew up around a predominate white neighborhood; the black kids that I wanted to befriend wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t sound like them, I didn’t use words like them; I wasn’t truly “black”.

Now, I realize that kids can be cruel but I can’t honestly say that it was just an elementary school thing. I dealt with this up until college and even after I moved to Atlanta, I have heard similar statements. Granted, I do have black friends now but like my home girl that went to Charleston with me, we all hear the same type of stigmas.

We aren’t urban enough so our “black card” has been revoked. Part of me wonders if other ethnicities have issues like this? Why is it so annoying (to some) that I carry myself the way I do? Or that I’m “spoiled” – they surely haven’t met my father – and all the other countless adjectives that have been used to describe; words that are all off the mark, I must say.

I just don’t understand it. Watching this series amplified a lot of things that I kept hidden in my head and part of me hopes that these panels will shed some light on black hypocrisy. I love being black don’t get me wrong; wouldn’t change it (I haven’t always been able to say that) but these days, I really start to worry about where we are heading.

Maybe, it’s just reflective of where I’m residing right now but I’m not so sure?

Any thoughts? Feel free to be as PC or un PC as you would like. 

Updating My 101 List!

I’m back from vacation, jonesin’ for Charleston. I LOVE it, it’s so beautiful and you can walk everywhere – which is a definite plus for me not to mention people were on bikes constantly! I’ll have to rent one next time I’m there.

Anyway, being that I took a mini break from blogging last week, I am back now with full force. First, I want to catch everyone up on my 101 Things List, I – of course – still have a lot to do but I knocked a few on my mini Charleston vacation.

 #1. Travel out of state by myself.

Not only did I have to travel out of Georgia, which is long but into S. Carolina. I forgot how much I loved driving by myself during extended distances and I learned how to use cruise control worked wonders for my right foot, I tell you. 

#6. Go to the beach.

Finally! We ended up going to Folly Beach, which was about 15 minutes away from where we were staying in historic Charleston. The day was overcast but the weather was nice and I even made a little sand igloo with a carport or at least, I think that’s what it ended up being. I, of course got sand everywhere and had to make sure my naval piercing didn’t get expose to that too much. 

#9. Guest blog on a site that differs from mine. Not only am I trial blogging at HerProBlog.com (my topic is niche blogging); I also guest posted on Eathan’s site “I Date White” about my love of interracial dating (yes, I’m a member). Two different arenas and neither of them really coexist with my blog but hey, I am enjoying the difference in topics.

#69. Volunteer for a worthy cause.

Girls on Track is underway, early next month I’ll start my training. I’m getting more and more excited as the weeks go by!

#72. Wear a bikini in public.

I forgot this was on my 101 lists; so not only do I cross this off but also I am joining up with both Jen and Suzanne and the countless other female bloggers who bared it all bikini style! I am not as nervous as I thought I would be but it does feel quite liberating and if you lean in really close you might be able to see my little belly jewel! This also marks the first time I wore this bikini and I’ve had it for about 2 years now. I hope others will join the brigade, we have to stop the negative feelings that we throw at our bodies (I know, I still battle this everyday).J

I also documented a whole day in pictures (#35 on the list) but I haven’t ordered them yet, so stay tuned for that!

It's finally here...and I've been putting this song on blast!

I'm not a huge gospel fan, I do have my favorites and a beautiful voice will do wonders but this song has me in tears every time I hear it. If I could write a song about my journey thus far; this would be it. It just makes you want to stand up and scream, "YES, I get it!". 

I remember when I first heard it at the BET awards show this year, my hair stood on end (what I have, left) and it didn't make much sense at that time but something resonated with me but all I could do then is cry.

Much like I am now but it's not tears of sadness but of joy. I think if I had the range to be able to sing a smidge, I'd belt this one.

If you have the chance to listen too it, please do. I have to give a shout out to the Marvalous View because she told me the name of the song.

I am SO thankful to still be here but at a stronger place. A place I haven't felt for going on 3 years, now. So I get to exclaim it -- yes, y'all I'm sappy today-- but, "I've MADE it!"

And like the song says, "I'm stronger, I'm wiser...I never could have made it without you."

The "YOU" symbolizes a lot of things, God, myself, everything positive that nurtures my life and gives me the drive to help others. 

Ah! I'll let my tear filled diatribe go and bounce off to deal with my festivities!

Let's see what this year will bring, shall we? :)