I had an early morning training session at the gym today. It was at 5:30 to be exact and yes, I’ve haven’t had coffee at all. So, let’s see how well my energy lasts.
Well, today after my session, my boss and I ended up talking about fitness and weight loss goals. I basically gave her the rundown of my life’s health history as she stood letting her jaw slowly hit the floor (not really).
“You? You were that big?”
Every time someone says that to me, I always get taken aback. Why not me? Don’t you see how my body is shaped, to me; the reality that I was 270+ pounds once in my life is not that far fetched.
Primarily, because I still don’t think I’m that small. I swear, I think I suffer from acute body dysmorphia or maybe I just don’t think about it. I know that I’m not big; I see myself as somewhat average so – in my mind – it’s not like I’ve gone from a size 25/26 to a size 2, so it’s not that drastic.
I guess the downplaying of my weight loss got to her because she was like, “Do you know how good that is? You should write a testimonial and you lost it all naturally! You are an inspiration.” (I should tell you that my trainer has a thick Czech accent, so I know she said more but this is all I could glean from the conversation – hey, it was early! My synapses weren’t firing yet.)
We continued discussing various things about weight loss, the sagging skin, new eating habits and for the first time, I talked to someone who HAD no clue about disordered eating the lowdown on what causes someone to act on it.
Outside of my blog, I don’t really discuss my disordered eating with anyone except for those who also disorderly eat; I guess it’s like war veterans comparing stories everything is vaguely similar but different at the same time; so for me to talk about it with her was something I wouldn't have done a year or so ago.
I believe she understood as well as she could but I think it helped me see how I handle my self-destructive tendencies in regards to food.
Our talk helped me realize that I have conquered a good chunk of my issues but I realize that my body image –even though it’s not shoddy – is non-existent but I do feel good about myself, so I guess it’s a weird juxtaposition.
I guess, what I’m trying to figure out is my having no sense of body image coupled with the fact that I’m lackadaisical about my size healthy? Anyone with insight, feel free to chime on in because I honestly don’t know. Perhaps, it’s not that big of a deal.
I see some changes; like I love shorts now (I have some on today) but does that mean I’m comfortable with my body or is it more that I found a hot, pair of shorts that I had to have?
Ironically enough, while writing this, I saw Jen’s post that spring boarded off Suzanne’s post about baring it swimsuit style; so I’ve decided to take the plunge as well. I was thinking of posting one anyway because it’s on my 101 List of Things to do but I guess this really gives me the impetus to do it. Bikini aside, I think my trainer session today not only strengthened my body but gave my mind something to think about.
On other news: It’s 5 days until the most glorious day of the universe. It’s been raining here basically everyday for most of the week and looks like it will continue to do so…clearing up on – you guessed it – Tuesday!!! Even Mother Nature knows what’s up. Anyone doing anything fun this weekend, preparing for the national holiday on Tuesday, I’m sure. J
