As I sit staring over at the window as the tornado kissed rain falls outside, my mind starts to wander – trust, it doesn’t take much these days.
Yesterday, I talked to my boss about his life. How I, at times, was envious because it seemed that he found what he wanted to do so easily, while I sit here and flounder back and forth. He told me that I was giving him too much credit, some people have a gift that they can’t deny it’s blatantly obvious; for others it’s not so clear cut. In his mind, it’s all about the “putty” that all humans possess, what we do to it, what pieces we keep and throw away and how we transform and sculpt it to fit our needs. How we are in more control than we realize, we have the choice to define our putty or we can let the putty define it for us. It boils down to the drive, goals and ambitions. Knowing what you want (not necessarily in specifics) and working towards that and shaping yourself-- and your putty—along in the process.
(Well, at least it wasn’t a scientific analogy.)
So, I guess it’s time for me to be honest. I’m terrified of my putty. Lately, I have taken great strides to keep myself focused. I went for the pole dancing instructor position, I am trying out for the Atlanta Roller Derby, I’m applying for a few US based graduate programs, I need to sign up and study for the GRE but lately and I blog for two (soon to be, three sites). Yet, this fear of aloneness and anxiety has been plaguing me. Right now, it’s like I’m a deer in headlights and I have a million and one thoughts running through my head.
Maybe, going against my personal grain so much has started to unnerve me. Even though, I know right now this is what I need to do; to find me, to find my peace and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is something that I need to solely do alone.
I just wonder if I’m good enough. I can see how not having people support you growing up can damage your psyche but I won’t let myself play the victim.
Oh, and if anyone has any advice to soothe this weary soul (and I’m sure help others in the process), please share.
