I have been noticing lately that the older I get, the more my sensitivity is often piqued. It seems that even though I was slightly sensitive when I was younger (teens, young adult, etc); I often had I don't give a good damn aesthetic that I've come to see as a coping mechanism. Or maybe, I'm just too old to worry about putting up that "strong" front, something has hurt me and I want to feel that pain and not care who knows it.
This past weekend, I was hurt real bad. It was something derby related and it hurt me...alot. So much so, that I left the game right after it was over and went home. Now, I'm okay but it took me at least a day to shake the anger.
I discussed this during my daily IM with one of my nearest and dearest and I mentioned that I always go out of the way to NOT intentionally screw someone over. At times, I feel I should just shuck that concept and be as low down as others seem to be. Even though, I know that wouldn't be me OR what I'm about.
I'm learning that you can't expect people to do the right thing. That maybe you should expect nothing or even the worse and be pleasantly surprised when they do come through. Even though I go around trying to make sure everything is open and communicative maybe it's a moot point and that I should always be "getting mine" no matter how others view the situation.
Now, that to me sounds extreme. I believe I should strive to have a healthy balance - a balance that I thought I had but maybe I need to think otherwise. I have noticed that I'm more in touch with my feelings more than I have been in my life. That, I'm letting myself feel the hurt, anger, disappointment and sadness even though I might not know how to consciously act on all of them. I do allow myself to feel them now, though and then I learn to deal with them the best that I can at that moment - and let it go.
My goal this year is to learn to be free of all things (past and present) that have worn me down over the years. I realize now that they are stunting my growth - well, I should say that I AM growing but I could be doing so much more - and I want to move through the rest of my twenties as healthily as I can.
After all, I am turning 27 this year and as celebration, I'll be off in the Dominican Republic with my two other Cancerian friends enjoying an all-inclusive resort. My goal for '09 is to have fun and have as many adventures as I can.
