Love. Self. Entirely.

Proust, Please?

Lately, I have immersed myself in self reflection, so much so, that I have actually stopped discussing it with my close friends (well, spare them) and have --in a matter of thinking-- taken a vow of silence. Of course, this doesn't stop my mind from whirling around and thankfully, I have found an outlet thanks to Funkybrownchick's ode to the Proust questionnaire. I'm always curious about the inner workings of people, strangers or otherwise because even the most un-complex person (like that exists) still has something intricate about themselves. It's really amazing to me, really. Anyway, I personally like answering these type of questions because even though I'm answering them to the best of my ability; I'm sometimes even surprised about what I'm really thinking (if I don't let myself get in my own way). 

Without further adieu, here are the answers to some of the Proust questions. If anyone reads this and wants to do this, please let me know - I'll definitely pop on over to your blog and have a look. 

I'm going home...

for a visit.

It's been awhile and I'm actually excited. I have already scheduled a date to see a friend and do some black Friday shopping. A play date(s) in DC, spending time with my white, gay boyfriend and  hopefully lots of drinking! OH, of course I'll see my daddy that's a given! He wants me to spend all my time with him but that's not happening - mainly because I'm not sure I could take it but I'm excited to see him. I haven't seen him since his surgery and I can't wait to be a daddies girl for a bit. I usually end up sitting with him, talking about life and watching movies and regress to being a 4 year old (in that, I always follow him around - ha). 

I haven't been this excited to go home in awhile. I guess I'm starting to miss my life up there NOT enough to move back though. I'm not sure I ever want to move back but I may entertain the idea of moving to the Washington metro area. Speaking of which, I need to check into George Washington for this program and start sending out resumes up there to see what bites.

I would like to be closer to my dad and my cool friends. I like that my brother is here in Atlanta but I'm ready for a change. I have some things on the back burner (that I will reveal shortly) that I'm putting into motion and 2010 will be an adventure for me, that's for sure. :)

I haven't felt this open and optimistic in a long time and for that reason alone, I'm truly grateful. I have so much I want to do and experience and now I know it was just me and my decisions keeping me from feeling this. I have so much homework due, I think I might take off later on today to take care of that and clean my room. I have to leave town to do derby things Friday night but when I come back, I have more homework and I need to catch up on stuff at the office. I have SO much that I need to do and it keeps growing so I need to take care of it before it gets out of control.

Thanksgiving can't get here quick enough. 

Sam Cooke-A Change Is Gonna Come

I have been playing this song (mainly the one Otis Redding sung) but it's fitting to how I'm feeling right now. A change is gonna come for me -whether I'm ready for it or not- but I'm going to move forward in spite of myself.

Besides, they don't sing like this anymore. Granted, I wasn't even a blip on the radar when this song came out. It doesn't mean that I can't feel this song any less.

I'm not going to take it

Last night, I went to my first derby practice in Stone Mountain. It wasn't as daunting as I grew to expect. I was perfectly fine with it, actually. I did have some pangs because I realized I wasn't that far from my ex's but I wasn't as sad --it was more bittersweet because there was a part of me that wanted to see him and there is the other part (the bigger part) that just wanted to go to the skating rink, do my thing and then leave. 

The practice was hard, which I'm happy for because I'm trying to tone up and lose some poundage but on my way back across town, I received two texts from my roommate. She texted me around 10:30 - 10:45 at night --she's been out of town -- asking if I would come to the airport (that was the first text) to come  get her, the second text asked if I couldn't do that would I mind picking her up from the station. Her flight would be landing at 11:50pm. I didn't even bother to respond. 

Lately, I have been more cognizant of the folks I deal with in my daily life and yes, we do live together but I really don't deal with her NOT because she isn't a nice person --she is-- but I don't have time to deal with people who want me to help them out on their terms. She was gone all weekend but asked me an hour before she was supposed to land for a ride? When she knows I have to get up and work the next day and I don't have the luxury of sleeping in because I don't work nights (like she does). Did I also mention that she owes me half the rent for October, which I have been somewhat nice about - well, I gave her to the end of this week to come up with something. So, I didn't answer her, I went home, took a shower and went to bed. No more, says I. No more. I'm not extending myself for people who barely extend themselves for me. 

I hate when I have to let my inner bitch out. I prefer a quiet, serene life but after all the stuff I've allowed to happen to me in regards to my ex, my family and some of my friends; I really don't have the time, energy or want to be flexible for people. I've been flexible all of my life; I'm spent, I will only help people who I know will help me.

Black Folk & Their Dating Hypocrisy

Every time I have a conversation with a black male friend and I mention that I'm open to dating other races (across the sexes) and at first I'm applauded saying that is a good thing. Then what comes right after that, "As soon as you open yourself up, you're BLACK MAN will come into your life."

Excuse me? Did you hear what I just said? So, I decide to try something new and that means that as soon as I do that my ideal black man will come and sweep me off my feet.

Why is my ideal black and why are they male?

I'm tired of having people downplay things that I tell them OR gloss over them like I never mentioned it. I don't know whom I'll end up with (man, woman - I mean) I don't think about it. I just want someone that treats me well and has common sense, which you would think it would be easier to find since I have dated both men and women in my past but it's really not. 

I did subscribe to the notion that my ideal was a black person and my preference would be black but I have come to the conclusion that it might not happen for me and I'm cool with that. 

I just hate it when I'm open about something new and it's downplayed like I should be just "wait around" and my time will come eventually. Truthfully, if I was only into men I'd be upset especially black men because the state of black men these days leave little to be desired for me. That's a whole other post though, I'm not saying all black men are bad either just that the pickings are slim and I won't even go into black women in the South (the ones that like girls), they might be just as bad as the men here. Which is why I hardly ever date, I like to keep my sanity!

My Extended Family

This morning I received a text from my father stating that I need to get in contact with Tu-Papa (my grandfather) and my Aunt Von (my mother's older sister). To most that would be a simple text but when I  read it, I was overcome with a sense of trepidation. Mainly because, I don't like most of my dads extended family. My dad is the only boy out of 5 kids and he was often put on a pedestal (my family is also religious and Southern - if that clues you in on anything). They didn't like my mother, they felt she didn't raise us with any type of sense or respect mainly because I was allowed to speak my mind (I spoke my mind with respect, mind you) and my youngest aunt, had issues with my father and I's relationship because I'm a daddy's girl. 

My Mom's Anniversary

Tulips were her favorite flower. Same as me, actually. I remember us both being excited to see them growing in Amsterdam when we visited there when we lived in Germany. I even remember us standing on top of windmills, looking out over the ponds feeling like we were about to blow over because of how strong the wind was. I felt so free then and I'm sure she did too - in her own way. 

My mother died this day a few years ago and you would think it wouldn't be so difficult or hard but it is. I miss her a lot these days especially since I find it so hard to focus on myself for lengthy periods of time but I know (and she knows) that focusing on me is what I need to do right now. 

This post is for my mother. She raised me the best way she knew how and I hope to expand on what I learned from her (the good and bad) and apply it to my own children. I want to learn to put myself before others healthily and I want to blossom into my full potential in this life. Thank You, Deborah Kaye for being there for me like no one else ever has and I'm honored to have been your daughter.

I'll love you forever.

Dogfight - A "Love" Story

No, I'm not talking about animals or fighter planes. 

I am not exactly sure why I’ve stumbled back across this movie but I instantly remembered why I love this movie so much.

Dogfight. A love story that takes place during the Vietnam era in San Francisco starring the late River Phoenix and Lili Taylor (my boo). I won’t go into detail about the flick but I do believe everyone should see it at least once. The message stands as much now as it did back in 1991 (when it was filmed) as well as the time frame during which the movie itself takes place; it’s that good.

Anyone knows me, knows I’m not big on love stories or romantic pictures. Not because I’m currently single – I’ve always been like this – coupled or not, I just don’t tend to care too much about contrived, by the book romance stories. 

For the longest, my idea of romance was Casablanca now I will consider some other movies in there but only when I’m feeling particularly angsty. Still, Dogfight I can watch during any of my moods and I’d still love it just the same.

The feeling of youth; finding love where you never expected to find it and enjoying it in the present moment while at the same time your world is changing. To be able to capture it the way the director did was pretty amazing. What appeals to me is the reality of all of it. It’s not as contrived as most romance pictures, the girl isn’t helpless – even though she is naïve – the man doesn’t have to save her – he needs some guidance himself. The “love” scenes are sweet and innocent and your heart (in turn) goes out to each of the characters.

Two worlds colliding and breaking away from each other a little different than they were before but still set to go onwards in the paths that they have created. There are no miracle answers or cures, just real life that shows actions and consequences. It’s beautiful and even though it’s sad that this movie didn’t get a lot of recognition, part of me is kind of glad it’s not that well known. It’s a hidden gem proving that two people can come together despite differences, learn from each other and still be their own person.

It’s (to me) the realism of love not the fluffy pink contrived stuff of Hallmark cards or sappy movies! It’s about the newness, the awkwardness not to mention that the soundtrack is amazing but I’m a hippie music junkie.