"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds. It is something one creates."
I think I'm influx in another identity crisis. I don't know if I have grandiose ideals of people or situations OR if I don't have high enough expectations and expect that things more often than not won't come to pass; I'm not exactly sure where on that spectrum I lie, I just know that it's time for me to stop allowing myself to exist there.
I will admit. I have been in a pretty foul mood lately not all the time but enough hours of the day that I'm starting to feel not like myself. I chop off some of it to my monthly hormonal cycle getting ready to rule it's head but I'll just fucking admit it, I'm just aggravated and fed up with bullshit (yes, including my own).
I'm forcing myself to make changes, I'm also being forced to make some changes (in regards to my derby life) but I'm trying my best to align myself to finding my true purpose in this life and I'm tired of allowing myself to be complacent. Or starting the journey, then backing out the last minute - I'm wonderful at coming up with the ideas but the follow through is where I lack, I think because I'm afraid of getting or not getting what I want. It's easier to say, "what if" sometimes which is a flawing way of thinking. Currently, I'm taking some pre-requisites in case I decide to go the science route in my secondary education, I'm doing pretty well being that both are 8 week courses. I have contacted 3 potential teachers that can recommend me (again); the last one will be my boss. I backed out of all my obligations today because I need to focus on me. For the past month and a half, I had to do stuff for all other people and right now i just need to find my bearings and breathe. I need to make a to-do list because I have so much stuff piling up around me between school, work, my design business, applying to schools (again), writing, working out, trying to sell this condo (which I need to up my advertising ventures) and not to mention court.
Oh yes, I got a subpoena in the mail a week or so ago. I think it's from my traffic accident earlier this year at least, I hope so; I don't know what else it would be for. Anyway, to add to my annoyance of things I can't control - El Africano (the ex) received one in the mail as well. He sent me a text telling me that he got one, asking if I got one and how I was doing. Small potatoes, sure but tell that to my blood pressure. I didn't respond to him, though and I'm not sure I will but I do know right now I don't want to. So come November 20th, I have to show up and potentially see him, which is not what I want but I can't control that. I just plan to slip in and out and avoid him at all costs because I don't want to deal with him on any level...anymore. It sucks because it's like I'm being forced into having to do so.
I think my feelings as of late (which have been more present than recent years) has proven that it's really time for me to leave Atlanta. I've tried making it work but I can't do anymore. I just have so much baggage here stemming from an assortment of areas that right now I just want to start over. I'm even willing to go back home just to have that brief clean slate even though I could never stay there. So, I decided to finally to make my trek overseas - I've been reading expatriate blogs for little over a year and now I'm casting my net into the water as well. So, depending on which school I get in, I'll be living in some European country for at least or two. I know, living there is not glorified in my mind in the least; it's just seen as a welcome change and who knows what it will bring, I just know I'm tired of not knowing and not exploring. My life means too much to me.
