Love. Self. Entirely.

Creatively Dreaming Part Deux

I'm looking back at some of my old entries of not having my dreams accepted by my family and doing what they wanted because I wanted to feel accepted even though it wasn't the real me that was being taken in.

One entry particular reached back at me especially in regards to black families and how some believe in raising their children. I do believe my family was on the extreme end of it but I also know that you can only do what you are taught unless you are strong enough to break outside of that. And the truth is, that not many people are willing to do the legwork to do that.

I think that I have done some things that are ingrained in my DNA but I can look back and reflect and know not to do it again. It might take me awhile to get there but I do, eventually. 

The person I was when I was writing that blog no longer exists. I'm not saying that I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that person but where I am now is not a bad place to be. I'm still chained to this house but I won't let myself be stuck here for another year. I am creating again, I have business cards, the website space has been reserved and I'm challenging my ideas of design and creating quirky things that showcase my personality. I'm teaching myself programming (slowly), I'm boning up on my French skills.  I started to travel more and I'm excited about traveling more during this upcoming year (some trips will be alone this time). I'm ready to go back to school (seriously) and I'm ready to leave the US for a chance to push the idea of what I know and deem to be true that much further.

I don't want nor do I need my family around to validate my dreams. I don't desire it anymore. I know that now. I have cut ties to the damaged parts and I'm moving forward from here on out and I don't want to apologize for it. 

Home

Since my mothers' passing and with each year going by me, I've come to realize that I seemed to have stepped into your shoes as the family nurturer and protector but at the same time I feel that I failed in regards to the mental upset that my brother went through. 

My dad remarried less than a year after my mom died. How he went about is was pretty fucked up and to this day I have never once congratulated him on his decision. I do understand why he did it (he isn't cut out to be alone) but the whole situation is shady, shady, shady! I will probably go into detail about it later one day but right now, that is not the focus of this blog post.

My brother lived with my dad at this time and when my brother tells the story, I'm become so enraged. First, my brother was manipulated badly (he was a momma's boy and he needed a maternal figure), how my dad turned his back on his only son when it suit him (my father is hugely passive-aggressive) and just how my brother was being mentally beat down and destroyed. It hurts me to know that my dad allowed it (I'm not saying my brother was or is completely innocent) but even with the bad sides to my brothers personality I know the type of person that he is and I can see he is hurt even still and he has lived in Georgia for close to two years.

I can't help but feel torn. I love my father but I don't like parts of him because I don't believe my mother would have let this train wreck happen but if I look at how my father was raised, I guess I can't really be all that surprised.

It still doesn't stop it from it from hurting though.

I'm feeling vulnerable today.

Right now.

This very second, I'm still quite vulnerable. The only difference is that I know this feeling will pass as quickly as it came.

So, since I'm doing my best to blog once a day. I will post about it here. I have this feeling of dread about next Friday, in regards to, the fact that I very well might see my ex. I know it's small on the grand scale of things and right now, it's still a big might but just the thought is enough to make me ill. You see, I subscribe to the notion of once you are in my "past" it's pretty damn well hard for me to ever allow you back in my space. It doesn't matter how brief or under what sense, it just doesn't happen (I'm like this with everyone not just ex's). I've contacted him once in order to get a paper faxed to me, I actually mailed him a letter, well I sent him the form and my fax number to send me the document that I needed. I followed up two weeks later with a text when I didn't receive anything leaving him my fax number again. That time, he texted me back saying he mailed it as of this writing I haven't received anything and I have not bothered to contact him again. I will have to deal with this on my own, I resolved.

Then I got my subpoena - I chopped it up to my traffic accident (which I hope that is what it's for because I don't know about anything else); so I figured there was another thing I'll have to handle on my own.

Then he texts me that he got one and wants to know if I received one and some other small talk bullshit. I didn't reply.

Yesterday, he called my phone and left a message for me to call him back when I had the time. I, at first, had to double check to make sure I was reading the number correctly because it didn't register at first. Then I just let it go to voice mail. 

I know why he's calling or at least my assumptions are probably very close if not exact and they all point to the court date next week.

Now I'm at this point where yes, I don't want to deal with him on any level and I know I carry around some unresolved anger (not a lot but I know it's there) that I really don't want to subject myself to any negativity - I don't want to feel bad about myself and he was a big source of that. The other part of me feels I should say something, what if he has some information that I don't have or some piece of the puzzle that I need to be let in on but with my not communicating I'm forcibly digging myself into a deeper hole? 

So, I go back and forth in my mind. I feel that I don't owe him an answer to anything but at the same time this involves me and I don't need to be screwed over again. I've had enough and I'm really, earnestly moving on so being sucked back into this (no matter how small) is really pissing me off. 

I'm not ready to communicate with him, this I do know. I just don't want it come back to bite me in the ass. 

On the plus side, I am thinking of starting a new blog (keeping this one), the new blog will be my side project that I hope to either make into a book or documentary, hell, maybe even both!

In Limbo

Lately, I have been in a weird mood. I have fleeting bouts of anxiety about being alone coupled with long hours of wanting to be just left the hell alone. It's odd; I'm not even trying to say it makes sense it's just how I feel at the moment. 

My boss feels I should be on Eharmony trying to find a man to settle with but right now, I can't picture it. I don't have the patience and yes, I have moments when I want someone near me but I can't predict when - or for how long - I'll want to be alone next. It's not fair to either person whether we are casually dating or not.

09-09-09

Some break up anxiety today, folks. I know, thoughts like that will happen and no, I'm not saying I miss the relationship! It's been a week since we decided not to be in each other lives in any capacity. I just hope I'll remain this calm throughout the process. 

Outside of that, well...I've been throwing this idea in my mind around. I want to either write a book OR perhaps do a documentary about the OREO phenomenon. Something along the lines of black people who have taken the unconventional path in life or who aren't like the mainstream (however you classify 'mainstream', I guess). I hope I make sense.

Dealing In Putty

As I sit staring over at the window as the tornado kissed rain falls outside, my mind starts to wander – trust, it doesn’t take much these days.

Yesterday, I talked to my boss about his life. How I, at times, was envious because it seemed that he found what he wanted to do so easily, while I sit here and flounder back and forth. He told me that I was giving him too much credit, some people have a gift that they can’t deny it’s blatantly obvious; for others it’s not so clear cut. In his mind, it’s all about the “putty” that all humans possess, what we do to it, what pieces we keep and throw away and how we transform and sculpt it to fit our needs. How we are in more control than we realize, we have the choice to define our putty or we can let the putty define it for us. It boils down to the drive, goals and ambitions. Knowing what you want (not necessarily in specifics) and working towards that and shaping yourself-- and your putty—along in the process.

(Well, at least it wasn’t a scientific analogy.)

So, I guess it’s time for me to be honest. I’m terrified of my putty. Lately, I have taken great strides to keep myself focused. I went for the pole dancing instructor position, I am trying out for the Atlanta Roller Derby, I’m applying for a few US based graduate programs, I need to sign up and study for the GRE but lately and I blog for two (soon to be, three sites). Yet, this fear of aloneness and anxiety has been plaguing me. Right now, it’s like I’m a deer in headlights and I have a million and one thoughts running through my head.

Maybe, going against my personal grain so much has started to unnerve me. Even though, I know right now this is what I need to do; to find me, to find my peace and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is something that I need to solely do alone.

I just wonder if I’m good enough. I can see how not having people support you growing up can damage your psyche but I won’t let myself play the victim.

Oh, and if anyone has any advice to soothe this weary soul (and I’m sure help others in the process), please share. 

Deal Breakin'

My last post touched on settling and how I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen to me. At the same time, I don’t want to be overly picky. My aunt used the term ‘selective’, you should have some morals; Jen from SemiCharmed Wife stated that you should have “dealbreakers” when it comes to relationships (in particularly, romantic).

It then popped into my head, where are my deal breakers not just in regards to romance but in my life in general. I have spent countless years putting on my best face and doing what was expected of me. Now that I’m taking an active initiative to understand the person I am now, I’ve decided to discuss some of my KEY life dealbreakers (these cover all aspects of my life). If 

1. Honesty - There was a point in my life where I wasn't a trustworthy person. It stemmed from not wanting to be truly myself and broadcasting the image of myself that I felt others wanted. I don't like to admit but I was dishonest; I lied to myself and others because I didn't want them to see the person that I was; I didn't feel the real me was worthy. So I was often dishonest but I believe in karma, so the dishonesty I was putting out there I definitely got back. Thankfully, I came around --and losing mom-- certified that I couldn't let others be free to be who they are and not allow myself the same courtesy. If I can accept people completely; I should receive the same as well. 

Which leads into number 2...

2. Acceptance - I never felt like I really belonged, even in my own family. It has taken a long time to get to where I am (and I still have more to go). I always encourage others to keep it "real" with me, I don't want to know the "representative" of a person; I want it all out there because I'll give you the same. I know how it feels to be constantly judged so I always try my best to be as open as possible. 

3. Respect - Chances are that if you are in my life than I respect you. For years, I have allowed people to infiltrate my inner cypher whom I respected but didn't do the same. Friends, family and relationships; I sought to find myself through others and often I ended being the faithful doormat. 

These I believe are my main three that stem across all the types of relationships in my life. I'm sure I'll add more to the romantic relationships, family relationships, work, etc., but at the core this is what I expect from the people who I interact with because that's what I'm giving back to you. 

Anyone else struggling with their overall dealbreakers in their life? Anyone struggling with implementing them? I admit, in some situations it's harder for me to stick to my guns more than others but I'm forcing myself even when I don't want too. 

How Do You Learn to Complete Yourself?

Ok, so I wore my bikini. I posted it for all to see and I have to say again, that I love Charleston! It’s very beautiful and it doesn’t seem as Southern as most of the cities in these parts (“in these parts”…what the heck?)

I went with my best friend Miriam, whom I love and adore and we ended up camping out in the main room and just having the typical girl all night sleepover.

What did we focus on? Well, I discussed my career, my plateau and how I’m thinking on how to go about shaking that up. She listened, gave me her insight (she told me about some federal jobs that are hiring, I might try applying), academic programs to look into—which I will and she reinforced that I’m ahead of the eight ball for someone my age BUT I do need to focus and stop second guessing myself.

What did I help her with? Men problems, of course.  I find it funny that people come to me for these kinds of issues when I don’t feel that I’m well qualified at all. I just know how to listen and speak in an empathetic way, which may be hard for most to do (I guess). `

I wish I knew what to say to ease her pain and frustration because while she stood before me with her emotions intertwined and exposed for me to see all I could think was “that here is this strong, educated, independent black woman that owns her own house, car is paid for and she has her self worth wrapped up in some man.”

She’s thirty. Thirty in no way shape or form means that you are grown up and that people still don’t get hurt, that’s not what I’m saying. What drives me is that she’s such a good, loving person and it saddens me that it’s hard for her to find someone who appreciates that and sees it as a gift. It’s sad to me that she doesn’t see herself as a true gift.

It bothers me that black women—me included-- can have it “going on” all our ducks can be in that proverbial row and in swoops a man or significant other and ‘BOOM’ everything you’ve worked for, all that you stand for goes toppling out the window.

Why do we do that? What shifts within us that causes all our self worth to instantly crumble even when we know that we deserve better? This is something that is starting to bother me the older that I get. As I look around and see my friends and I enter into relationships that should have ended a long time ago, having children with men who don’t promise us anything but selfish lies (I have a girlfriend in that situation right now, it bothers me so much). 

How do we as women learn to appreciate ourselves by OURSELVES and never lose that feeling? Is it something you find before you get married or after? Is it something women learn early on from the men in their lives? I wish I could pin point it for me exactly, it would have saved me some time.

Musings From A 5:30am Training Session

I had an early morning training session at the gym today. It was at 5:30 to be exact and yes, I’ve haven’t had coffee at all. So, let’s see how well my energy lasts.

Well, today after my session, my boss and I ended up talking about fitness and weight loss goals. I basically gave her the rundown of my life’s health history as she stood letting her jaw slowly hit the floor (not really).

“You? You were that big?”

Every time someone says that to me, I always get taken aback. Why not me? Don’t you see how my body is shaped, to me; the reality that I was 270+ pounds once in my life is not that far fetched.

Primarily, because I still don’t think I’m that small. I swear, I think I suffer from acute body dysmorphia or maybe I just don’t think about it. I know that I’m not big; I see myself as somewhat average so – in my mind – it’s not like I’ve gone from a size 25/26 to a size 2, so it’s not that drastic.

I guess the downplaying of my weight loss got to her because she was like, “Do you know how good that is? You should write a testimonial and you lost it all naturally! You are an inspiration.” (I should tell you that my trainer has a thick Czech accent, so I know she said more but this is all I could glean from the conversation – hey, it was early! My synapses weren’t firing yet.)

We continued discussing various things about weight loss, the sagging skin, new eating habits and for the first time, I talked to someone who HAD no clue about disordered eating the lowdown on what causes someone to act on it.

Outside of my blog, I don’t really discuss my disordered eating with anyone except for those who also disorderly eat; I guess it’s like war veterans comparing stories everything is vaguely similar but different at the same time; so for me to talk about it with her was something I wouldn't have done a year or so ago.

I believe she understood as well as she could but I think it helped me see how I handle my self-destructive tendencies in regards to food. 

Our talk helped me realize that I have conquered a good chunk of my issues but I realize that my body image –even though it’s not shoddy – is non-existent but I do feel good about myself, so I guess it’s a weird juxtaposition.

I guess, what I’m trying to figure out is my having no sense of body image coupled with the fact that I’m lackadaisical about my size healthy? Anyone with insight, feel free to chime on in because I honestly don’t know. Perhaps, it’s not that big of a deal.

I see some changes; like I love shorts now (I have some on today) but does that mean I’m comfortable with my body or is it more that I found a hot, pair of shorts that I had to have? 

Ironically enough, while writing this, I saw Jen’s post that spring boarded off Suzanne’s post about baring it swimsuit style; so I’ve decided to take the plunge as well. I was thinking of posting one anyway because it’s on my 101 List of Things to do but I guess this really gives me the impetus to do it. Bikini aside, I think my trainer session today not only strengthened my body but gave my mind something to think about.

On other news: It’s 5 days until the most glorious day of the universe. It’s been raining here basically everyday for most of the week and looks like it will continue to do so…clearing up on – you guessed it – Tuesday!!! Even Mother Nature knows what’s up. Anyone doing anything fun this weekend, preparing for the national holiday on Tuesday, I’m sure. J            

Trigger Me This...

Triggers.

I wonder what doesn’t trigger me lately. Honestly, I am surprised that I haven’t been triggered more with all that has been going on for the past two weeks.

Being that two of the blogs that I regularly read were discussing their triggers in regards to their body issues, I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon and do the same.

I haven’t been heavily involved in my disordered eating as of late but I have noticed that I’ve been walking slowly up that path again.

The scale triggers me big time. So, I’ve taken to only weighing myself once a week. I’ve had periods where I would weigh myself every day and when the scale fluctuates a little bit, I won’t eat for a day. I haven’t done that since earlier this year, though.

Recently, I got on the scale and didn’t like the number that stared back at me. I know some of it has to do with my gaining muscle and all that, so I don’t feel as bad but I’d like to see that number lower. So instinctively, my first instinct was to starve myself for the day (my second alternative is to eat nothing but granola bars—something like that).

I’m being honest, the urge is there and I really want to do it.

Another obstacle is that my trainer has been after me for weeks to write down my food schedule so she could see it. Have I done it? Nope. Again, I know I SHOULD do it but I don’t.

I realize that I have this fear of someone dissecting my eating. I go into overdrive, maybe I’m eating the wrong type of thing, my portions are out of control, and will she notice my patterned eating with food? Even if I’m not engaging in destructive eating behavior at the time, my anxiety still runs at full pace.

I know this, I’ll admit to my procrastination and denial of a part of my triggered eating patterns and today, I’m forcing myself to document my eating and send it to my trainer.

I don’t want to do it but I need to do it; that’s the difference. When it comes to my urge to starve myself to budge the scale, I remind myself that unless I’m fasting (which I’ll only do for a day at time), there will be no denial of food. I deserve to eat, starving myself won’t control my eating, it’ll just cause me to binge eventually, which wouldn’t be conducive to anything I’m trying to do with my life.

This weekend, I’m stocking up on fruits and vegetables for the week and I’ll be going to my therapist for sure.

**I apologize if my description was too detailed, I tried not to get into anything graphic.**