Love. Self. Entirely.

I'm feeling vulnerable today.

Right now.

This very second, I'm still quite vulnerable. The only difference is that I know this feeling will pass as quickly as it came.

So, since I'm doing my best to blog once a day. I will post about it here. I have this feeling of dread about next Friday, in regards to, the fact that I very well might see my ex. I know it's small on the grand scale of things and right now, it's still a big might but just the thought is enough to make me ill. You see, I subscribe to the notion of once you are in my "past" it's pretty damn well hard for me to ever allow you back in my space. It doesn't matter how brief or under what sense, it just doesn't happen (I'm like this with everyone not just ex's). I've contacted him once in order to get a paper faxed to me, I actually mailed him a letter, well I sent him the form and my fax number to send me the document that I needed. I followed up two weeks later with a text when I didn't receive anything leaving him my fax number again. That time, he texted me back saying he mailed it as of this writing I haven't received anything and I have not bothered to contact him again. I will have to deal with this on my own, I resolved.

Then I got my subpoena - I chopped it up to my traffic accident (which I hope that is what it's for because I don't know about anything else); so I figured there was another thing I'll have to handle on my own.

Then he texts me that he got one and wants to know if I received one and some other small talk bullshit. I didn't reply.

Yesterday, he called my phone and left a message for me to call him back when I had the time. I, at first, had to double check to make sure I was reading the number correctly because it didn't register at first. Then I just let it go to voice mail. 

I know why he's calling or at least my assumptions are probably very close if not exact and they all point to the court date next week.

Now I'm at this point where yes, I don't want to deal with him on any level and I know I carry around some unresolved anger (not a lot but I know it's there) that I really don't want to subject myself to any negativity - I don't want to feel bad about myself and he was a big source of that. The other part of me feels I should say something, what if he has some information that I don't have or some piece of the puzzle that I need to be let in on but with my not communicating I'm forcibly digging myself into a deeper hole? 

So, I go back and forth in my mind. I feel that I don't owe him an answer to anything but at the same time this involves me and I don't need to be screwed over again. I've had enough and I'm really, earnestly moving on so being sucked back into this (no matter how small) is really pissing me off. 

I'm not ready to communicate with him, this I do know. I just don't want it come back to bite me in the ass. 

On the plus side, I am thinking of starting a new blog (keeping this one), the new blog will be my side project that I hope to either make into a book or documentary, hell, maybe even both!

I'm not going to take it

Last night, I went to my first derby practice in Stone Mountain. It wasn't as daunting as I grew to expect. I was perfectly fine with it, actually. I did have some pangs because I realized I wasn't that far from my ex's but I wasn't as sad --it was more bittersweet because there was a part of me that wanted to see him and there is the other part (the bigger part) that just wanted to go to the skating rink, do my thing and then leave. 

The practice was hard, which I'm happy for because I'm trying to tone up and lose some poundage but on my way back across town, I received two texts from my roommate. She texted me around 10:30 - 10:45 at night --she's been out of town -- asking if I would come to the airport (that was the first text) to come  get her, the second text asked if I couldn't do that would I mind picking her up from the station. Her flight would be landing at 11:50pm. I didn't even bother to respond. 

Lately, I have been more cognizant of the folks I deal with in my daily life and yes, we do live together but I really don't deal with her NOT because she isn't a nice person --she is-- but I don't have time to deal with people who want me to help them out on their terms. She was gone all weekend but asked me an hour before she was supposed to land for a ride? When she knows I have to get up and work the next day and I don't have the luxury of sleeping in because I don't work nights (like she does). Did I also mention that she owes me half the rent for October, which I have been somewhat nice about - well, I gave her to the end of this week to come up with something. So, I didn't answer her, I went home, took a shower and went to bed. No more, says I. No more. I'm not extending myself for people who barely extend themselves for me. 

I hate when I have to let my inner bitch out. I prefer a quiet, serene life but after all the stuff I've allowed to happen to me in regards to my ex, my family and some of my friends; I really don't have the time, energy or want to be flexible for people. I've been flexible all of my life; I'm spent, I will only help people who I know will help me.

Changes All Around

Well, I’ve decided; I believe right now that I need to scale back my posting. I’m going to utilize the 3 posts a week method (even though I may post little snippets the other two days). Why do you ask? Well, between work (fulltime, teaching pole and casino) not to mention my two a week blogging for herproblog.com as well as preparing for the GRE, I’m swamped! I also want to work on promoting my site some more as well as checking out different blogs so I can start expanding my content into different arenas OR start a separate blog specifically for that. Still, by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer right now, my baby browns need the rest so that's a small portion of it as well. 

Not to mention, I’m applying to two PHD programs and I need to write for that, so yes, I’ll have to slow down on my blogging as of late. Which I’m sad about but I do need to give myself a break, my mind has been approaching meltdown for weeks and it’s finally arrived in all it’s glory. This time I can’t afford to lay around in mush for a day or two like usual because I have to train for roller derby, the GRE, apply to schools, etc. -- you get the idea.

Outside of that, I have some good news – let’s hope it comes to fruition. Guess where I might be going? Here is the flag to help with the cause.

The Skating Push Over?

I believe my mind is quickly approaching burnout. I tend to do this to myself; multi-tasking multiple projects until my mind has no choice but to shut down, reducing me into a puddle of glop on the floor!

So today, I am said glop but I plan to keep it together to discuss something that I have a problem with.

I call it the struggle of the nice-itis.

Saturday, one lovely ARG skater decided to loan me her skates so I can practice on good derby skates for assessments; in her eyes my current skates are the “devil” and should be confiscated for use in hell only. Yes, they are that serious about skates; so I gladly put outdoors wheels on my crappy skates and now I use hers for my skating use.

So Saturday, there I was skating or attempting to skate on these new skates; what I didn’t expect was to relearn (albeit, quicker) this time how to skate around the rink. Another ARG member came up to me and decided to make it her M.O. to help me. It was nice of her, I’ll admit to that BUT her way of helping me wasn’t conducive to how I learn. In fact, I felt like I was going backwards in my skating progress instead of forward, not to mention she was making me nervous – which wrecks my skating that much more.

So, the brash part of me wanted to yell, “Step the HELL off!” Yet, the rational side of me kept that from escaping out of my mouth because she was on the ARG team and I’m sure they talk…A LOT about the “fresh meat”, so I don’t want to ruffle any feathers – so I grinned and bared it.

Yet, even that resolution bothered me. Being that I’m starting to wane myself off my aggressive tendencies, I’m trying to figure out how to implement assertive traits without my feeling guilty. Being that people can be sensitive especially when they feel they are trying to help, how do you broach the topic with someone without ruffling feathers?

How do I tell you to back the HELL up but do it nicely? I have a tendency of being too blunt and I don’t want to take that approach because not everyone is down with that.

If anyone has any insight, please share! I really need to figure this out because I don’t want to come off as a pushover but I don’t want to be viewed as the unknown, disruptive cannon either. 

Weekly Rant in -- Thankfulness Out

It’s Wednesday.

So, it’s my weekly rant day. Actually, I’m writing this on Tuesday while watching the BET awards—it’s not that exciting—but I’m watching it nonetheless.

So, this week I have been struggling with setting this god awful boundary. I have been praying to God to give me some strength—not in the sense of my caving because I won’t; but giving me strength for me to stop analyzing the topic to death.

I really need to learn a thing from men; they seem to be able to let stuff go better than most women can. It’s funny but I don’t consider myself like most women but with this analyzing thing—boy, can I not shake this!

I’m not feeling guilty about having to set the boundary because I had to worry about myself and my needs. I was feeling guilty about it over the weekend but now, not so much. I’m not being mean or vindictive; it’s just the right now it’s not financially possible for me to do. The other side is that even if I could, I wouldn’t but I DON’T even feel bad about that because my financial strain definitely comes first.

I still analyze like a mofo, though.

It’s funny because if I went back on my initial ‘no’, the analyzing part of me wouldn’t cease. That part of me is reinforcing what is right this time that, I’m moving in the right direction; I just wish I could silence it for a little while.

[Oh, ya’ll…they are honoring Al Green on BET right now. I know I’m a young buck but my momma raised me up on some Al Green and they are playing her favorite song, right now! It’s called “For the Good Times”, it’s a wonderful song.]

I went off track big time with that one.

I think I need to learn to be okay with disappointing folks sometimes. You can’t please everyone and I’m not the “fixer” anymore. Like Jen stated, when she was discussing her labels—you have to let go of the past to move forward positively. I fixed people, places and things to feel loved, wanted and accepted. The reason why I’m not going back on my boundary is because I have to teach myself this lesson as much as the person that I set the boundary with.

The truth is; that it’s okay. It’s okay to say no; to realize my limit had been stretched a long time ago and that I won’t allow it to be stretched any further. I’m putting a big ole ‘X’ over my people pleaser label. I’m not here to do that. I’m here to be a good person, yes but to sacrifice myself before others that I can’t do anymore.

[I have to take what I said about the BET awards show back—the one, good thing about the BET awards was the Al Green tribute, if any of you love good, classic soul and enjoy Jill Scott, Anthony Hamilton and Maxwell—youtube the performance, it was phenomenal makes a girl wanna do some thangs!]

You know, hearing that tribute is what I needed to hear. Good music, bringing good thoughts to people it’s amazing how music changes your mood. I think my mom immersed me in it from the womb.

So yes, in disjointed closing; my rant didn’t end being much of one. The fixer label is no longer being applied to yours truly and the wonderfulness of Al Green stepped in and lifted my mood.

I guess he’s right, let’s just stay together and all you need is a little love and happiness.

Do you have a type of artist that snaps you out of a funk? A roommate in college loved Stevie Wonder like that, I think mine may just be Al Green. What is yours?

 

Boundary Setting, Redux!

I know boundaries are good for me to set but I have to admit to myself that they suck!

I have been in a guilt-ridden cloud for most of the weekend, which, coupled with resurgences of anger and frustration make things more complex than I would like.

The truth is, I KNOW I’m doing the right thing. I’m not a savior or their personal ATM machine and back when I was ready and willing to help out, they acted a plum right fool (I have no idea where I get my terminology, no one I know talks like this but I digress). It's not like I haven't helped them or bailed them out in various ways; it's just right now...I can't and part of me, really doesn't want too! 

The fact is they used and abused the privilege and things are different now and I won’t allow the same things to happen anymore NOT to mention that right now I need to take care of my interests and ME. I can’t forsake my interests, which will cause me to put myself in jeopardy.

Do I still feel guilty? Hell, yes.

Why? Well, when I care about someone, I want to help; I’m a giver who will sacrifice things to make sure someone else isn’t suffering but what I have to reinforce is that I have to make sure I put myself first. Something I am learning to do, I’m not being mean or vindictive; I’m just looking out for my best interests.

So, I set a really, hard boundary and I’m forcing myself to stick to it. I want to break it but I know that if I do this now; things won’t ever change and sacrificing my own safety net for someone else won’t get me anywhere at least, not right now.

I swear, this is so hard!

Other than that, my weekend was filled with work but I’m fine with that. I set up a therapy appointment for next Sunday, so that is good for me. I still have some house cleaning to do—so I need to focus my mind on tackling that.

I also still need to take all my clothes to the Salvation Army. There is some good news; I can wear a dress I couldn’t before so I’m excited. Well, I could wear it but I wouldn’t dare to breathe while it was on—now, it fits nicely.

Overall, I’m overtly optimistic. I still feel like crap about reinforcing this boundary because I hate feeling like I’m disappointing people but this person has done the same to me and didn’t give it a passing thought.

The part of me that is sick and tired of being so nice is going to win out when it comes to this boundary, which is what I need. It will move me forward in right direction!

How was everyone’s weekend? Anything fun or not so fun occur? Does anyone else out there feel guilty about setting boundaries? I’ve been doing well so far but I’m still having guilt feelings when I set a big one.

 

 

Baby, You Can Drive My Car.. (Assertiveness Vs. Aggression Study Pt. 1)

By the way, I love The Beatles. So some days my titles might be a little hokey but I'm amused by it, so it's okay!

Like I spoke on yesterday, I have this issue with being assertive. It frightens the hell out of me, it’s funny because aggression (with horrible results, usually) comes naturally but assertion freaks me out! Probably, due to the fact that every time that I have ever tried, I’ve been made to feel bad about it; like I wasn’t being respectful to the other person. “Cynthia, you are too selfish!” So I would bite my tongue, hold everything inside until I can’t stomach it anymore. I have ruined many a relationship (family, friend or otherwise) due to the fact that I when I hold my feelings inside, one day I reach a point of no return and I just snap –usually, it’s over something small too. So the other person definitely doesn’t see it coming or why I’m that upset over something so ‘small’. This is not something I’m proud of and is one of the destructive flaws in my personality.

To me: assertion = guilt. Ever see a black woman break out into a sweat for no apparent reason? (Trust me, it’s not cute) Ask me to stand up for myself without engaging my temper.

Why is it scary for me? Well being assertive means that I say what I won’t allow prior to it happening [i.e. You ask to borrow my car, before I give you my keys I discuss what the parameters are (how long it’s supposed to be gone, how much gas to put in, etc)]. I let you know what I expect and I don’t budge on it –period. There are no surprises everyone is on the same page. We are both essentially ‘OK’.

Truthfully, I’m not used to functioning this way. I am learning, however. For even though, I’m laidback once my aggression is tapped into, I don’t know what is to come of it. It’s like the Incredible Hulk embodied in a 5’5, black chick. My brother and I both struggle with this.

So, even though, it sounds easy, it’s not second nature for me to handle situations assertively, especially when I feel I’m being taken advantaged of.

How would I rate my aggression? Well, you know how you people say, they want a car that will get them to A to B, sometimes C. Well, if I was that car; 7 times out of 10, I skip B and go crashing right into C.

(I’m not sure why I’m into the car thing, today. Oh well!)

So using the above, borrowing car scenario things would (more than likely) play out like this:

The person would ask to borrow my car; I trust them enough so I give them my keys. I don’t really lay down in specifics because I EXPECT that person to be respectable to my property as well as treat my car the way I would treat theirs.

You know what they say about assuming, ladies and gentlefolk.

So, let’s say I get the car back and the person decided to be “nice” and put $10 worth of gas in it when they left with a full tank not only that, they decided to drop my car off at 11pm and didn’t tell me they needed it for that long. Knowing me, I’d go off on a diatribe that would make the devil blush (if he could) because I would feel that someone took advantage of my good nature and didn’t respect my things or me.

“How could they NOT know, right?!

Quite simply. I didn’t tell them. If people don’t know what the deal is how can you get mad when they cross your line? You can assume or expect for them to know (and in some case, I’m sure they do) but you if you don’t break it down for them (sometimes, like they are two); you are just asking for trouble.

I guess therapy is working.

I plan to devote another few posts to this issue, especially since this is the one I'm handling right now. I've been reading up on this like a mad woman, it's very complex!

Part II, will deal with how quickly people go from being assertive to being aggressive without even realizing it. Both your words and body language play an equal role here.

Also, if anyone has any tips in regards to keeping yourself in the assertive space even when things get tricky, let me know. I plan to compile a whole bunch of things that may help to keep you leveled out (if ya feel me).

Therapy Musings...

One of my goals for 2008 is to learn how to verbalize both my wants and needs in all the relationships in my life.

I typically like to be laid back and allow others to make the decision while I just “go with the flow”.  Truthfully, 9 times out of 10, I do have a particular preference for something but I don’t want to be perceived as bossy, so I tend to keep my mouth shut.

This process worked for years in friendships, relationships, family situations, it gave me my in, when it came to my dealings with people. It also led me to harbor an increasing amount of resentment towards those who seemed (to me) to take advantage of my laid back nature.

Why couldn’t they ever ask me what I really wanted? Why was I always the one who was passive, the one who had to pacify the other? Where in the hell was my backbone was I born without it?

I’m still not sure why I took to that role so easily but I could predict the cycle like clockwork and everything always ended the same way. With my detachment, treating the person as if they were dead; that they’d never existed. It was cold, heartless and I knew it but I didn’t realize it was actually tied to feeling my needs weren't being met

Most of my life, I was surrounded by negative impacting relationships with people who looked miserable and who seemed content in being that way. So with those type of role models, I figured that I’d learn to tolerate the feelings that I had. I hoped, anyway— they would disappear.

They never did.

So, with the revival of my therapy, I have decided to take action into my own hands and make a conscious effort about expressing what I want or need in any type of relationship to feel satisfied.

I have no idea where in the hell to even start.

So, I started writing a list. I remember staring down at the lined paper, pen in hand trying to remember what things typically cause my resentment to appear.

I kept staring; I went to sleep still thinking about it. I woke up and I still had no idea how to transcribe my feelings into words, all I knew was that it existed somewhere inside of me. How complicated was this going to be?

Honestly, it was simpler than I was letting on. I just didn’t want to let those feelings out once they were out of my head, then they would be concrete.

I’d have a written testimony of the things that I needed in order to be happy and I would know about it. I couldn’t hide behind the unknown and if I chose to remain complacent, it would be my own fault because I knew something was wrong; and yet, I didn’t attempt to fix it.

Knowing there is a problem is one thing but being fully aware of the issue is a whole other can of worms. And sometimes, quite frankly it scares me to open that can (which is why I’m in therapy).

Well, I ended up writing up my needs and my wants (when I stopped listening to my anxiety) and in all actuality they weren’t too out there! So now, I have to work on vocalizing them and being strong enough to support my decisions.  Thankfully, my therapist gave me insight on how to go about this, which (Guess what) involves another list!

So, I have some questions for you all out there:

1.       Are you good at establishing both your wants in needs?

2.       If you are, how so? If you aren’t, what impedes you from doing so?

3.       Did you gain or lose important people in your life when you voiced them?

I believe I’ll start discussing some of the aspects of my therapy sessions in my Monday posts. I’ll have to come up with a clever alias for my shrink.

Stepping Off The Calm Train For a Moment

I have to be honest. I need to rant, whine and complain. I know it’s due to the fact that I’m doing really good for myself. This topic has to do with being nice. I’m tired of being too nice. I love to help people, I don’t want to see anyone that I care for or love hurting but others sometimes use that positive trait against me. And I let them, repeatedly. I won’t establish a boundary even when I know I should because I’m afraid of people leaving me because I won’t let them get their way. I don’t let people close to me easily and I trust just as cautiously so when I do, I tend to put up with a lot of shit because I feel that I’m the strong one and that I could handle it. I had someone that I care about bail on me Sunday night. I understand that people have things that come up but the way he went about it made me feel so small, so tiny it felt like I didn’t matter at all. I asked what the plans we’re going to be as he rattled off everything under the sun but I heard nothing about us spending time together. After, I let him know on Wednesday and I called to verify on Saturday. I felt hurt and angry. That I was easily dismissable and only a convenience when there was nothing else better to do. I could feel my blood run cold and I felt my heart harden and all I wanted to do was lash out but I didn’t. I sat there and let it happen, I allowed it too and I didn’t defend myself, really. Partially because I knew if I did, I would have started yelling (which maybe he’d deserved) and he’d go on the defense. I have established boundaries with a lot of people lately. With him, it evades me and I’m starting to not like myself in this situation at all. So, I’m going to establish a boundary. This situation has happened before and I sat by and let MYSELF be inconvenienced because I want to be the “nice” one. I’m tired. I have to learn to protect me and my interests from others and not expect them to handle me with kid gloves because that’s how I treat them. So what do I plan to do? I plan to write it all out and speak my piece. After that, I’ll be more conscious about putting myself first in my own life. I will state that I’m doing positive things in my life and I want positive people around me to support me and who I can provide support too as well. If he can give me that, we can cohabitat still if I’m not worth that effort then that proves that he doesn’t care. Which if that is the case, I don’t want anyone like that in my life. I am moving forward and anyone holding me back like that is dead weight, no matter how much I love and care for them. This goes for friends, significant others and family. I know I'll be stronger in the long run because I do have to learn to be more assertive for myself and not expect others to have my best interests at heart all the time.

In Search Of My Missing 'Om'

I really need to curb these feelings of being “lesser than”. In one of my last posts, I discussed how I always came second to everyone’s expectation of me and that I always have this mental tug of war. If I say I can’t do something or I am not as accessible as before, I feel that I’m shattering their opinion of me and that I can easily be replaced.

I realize this way of thinking is severely flawed, however.

Now, I sit and think. If my being involved in someone’s life is based on what I can do for them and nothing else, I’m really better off alone. I’m not your maid, servant, chauffeur, personal shrink so why do I feel beholding to the people close in my life. Why are my boundaries so skewed? That’s actually a whole other topic, which I’m sure I’ll cover later.

I wouldn’t consider myself “new age” at all, I don’t see anything wrong with it but until recently, I never really bought into the idea of it. Call it the ‘Christian conservative’ side of me but until college, I was around people who identified mostly as Christian and I didn't expand my horizons until then.

So a good friend of mine introduced me to mantras. Words or sentences that apply to you or the situation that brings you a sense of calmness and peace that aids in bringing you back to center. I was hesitant about posting mine but after reading I was hesitant about posting mine at first but I decided to take the plunge and after reading Semi-Charmed Wife's posting about transforming negative feelings, I decided to throw caution to the wind and just put it all out there.

Since I’m on this journey of finding myself and finding my true center, I came up with a few of them to help me through out some of my more anxious (read, CONTROLLING)times.

My Mantra’s:

1. I am only in control of me and my actions; I can’t handle anyone else’s. Those are their issues. I am not here to save anyone from things that life brings to them. I can't get people to do what I want them to do, just because I think a certain way may be better doesn't mean it's what they want to do. I can't force a change in anyone's life but my own. I need to be strong and secure in who I am before I even try to assist someone else along those lines.

2. I will say no assertively and won’t feel bad about taking time for myself. Growing up around aggressive, opinionated and very narrow minded women, I often felt out casted and never accepted. The only way it seemed that my family actually liked and wanted me around was when I was doing something for them. I easily became the ‘yes girl’ that everyone ran too and I would drop whatever I was doing to help. My sense of self became wrapped up in other people and their satisfaction and when I wasn’t getting it from them; I often became lost and self-destructive.

3. If it feels wrong to me, I won’t do it. This one goes hand in hand with my fear of saying no. I often would involve myself in situations where intuitively I knew the outcome wasn’t good but I didn’t want to rock the boat so I entered into an unhealthy situation to appease the other person.

4. Treat myself the way I expect others to treat me. I recently realized that because I received all my good feelings off of how I made others feel, I never noticed how bad I treated myself in comparision to the other person. The love I bestowed upon another person (who more often than not, didn’t return my feelings), was the exact same thing I should have been giving myself all along. Knowing your boundaries and what you will and will not allow is one of the healthiest things that you can do for yourself. No one has the right to mistake your kindness for weakness. Your feelings are a gift that someone should cherish – family or otherwise – and you should feel that they realize that.

5. Live in the Now & Enjoy it. Self Explanatory, I hope! You can’t change the past, you can’t dictate the future exactly, enjoy the present moment for what it is! This is the simplest to understand but the hardest to do, even for yours truly.

I took to reciting mantra’s rather easily often times I do it aloud (I’m by myself, usually). My next step is to carve out some morning time where I can start a practice of meditation on a particular mantra for that day.

Does anyone else out there in this blog bubble participate in the use of mantras? If so, what is it? Why do you do it and have you noticed a difference? Also, if you don't buy into the mantra hype, please let me know your thoughts as well!