Right now.
This very second, I'm still quite vulnerable. The only difference is that I know this feeling will pass as quickly as it came.
So, since I'm doing my best to blog once a day. I will post about it here. I have this feeling of dread about next Friday, in regards to, the fact that I very well might see my ex. I know it's small on the grand scale of things and right now, it's still a big might but just the thought is enough to make me ill. You see, I subscribe to the notion of once you are in my "past" it's pretty damn well hard for me to ever allow you back in my space. It doesn't matter how brief or under what sense, it just doesn't happen (I'm like this with everyone not just ex's). I've contacted him once in order to get a paper faxed to me, I actually mailed him a letter, well I sent him the form and my fax number to send me the document that I needed. I followed up two weeks later with a text when I didn't receive anything leaving him my fax number again. That time, he texted me back saying he mailed it as of this writing I haven't received anything and I have not bothered to contact him again. I will have to deal with this on my own, I resolved.
Then I got my subpoena - I chopped it up to my traffic accident (which I hope that is what it's for because I don't know about anything else); so I figured there was another thing I'll have to handle on my own.
Then he texts me that he got one and wants to know if I received one and some other small talk bullshit. I didn't reply.
Yesterday, he called my phone and left a message for me to call him back when I had the time. I, at first, had to double check to make sure I was reading the number correctly because it didn't register at first. Then I just let it go to voice mail.
I know why he's calling or at least my assumptions are probably very close if not exact and they all point to the court date next week.
Now I'm at this point where yes, I don't want to deal with him on any level and I know I carry around some unresolved anger (not a lot but I know it's there) that I really don't want to subject myself to any negativity - I don't want to feel bad about myself and he was a big source of that. The other part of me feels I should say something, what if he has some information that I don't have or some piece of the puzzle that I need to be let in on but with my not communicating I'm forcibly digging myself into a deeper hole?
So, I go back and forth in my mind. I feel that I don't owe him an answer to anything but at the same time this involves me and I don't need to be screwed over again. I've had enough and I'm really, earnestly moving on so being sucked back into this (no matter how small) is really pissing me off.
I'm not ready to communicate with him, this I do know. I just don't want it come back to bite me in the ass.
On the plus side, I am thinking of starting a new blog (keeping this one), the new blog will be my side project that I hope to either make into a book or documentary, hell, maybe even both!
