Love. Self. Entirely.

Glee - True Colors (Full HQ Studio)

 

I really need to start watching Glee with a box of tissues, I've been getting more emotional over this show more than I do things that are happening to me in real life. Which is a refreshing change, it's nice NOT to have drama flowing around me. 

So this past episode had the Glee squad competing against other glee clubs in a competition that would get them ready for regionals. The first was an inner school squad that of course broke it down by performing such gems as "Bootylicious" and songs of that sort, which I loved. A deaf school caught wind of it and the next thing you knew their glee club showed up to do battle. They sang Imagine in ASL and I could feel the waterworks come. It was so beautiful, it touched everyone even the actors in the show, you could see it; it was just amazing. 

Now, I'm a Cyndi Lauper fan so I was delighted when this past episode ended with the gan singing True Colors. I can't help but to share it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Creatively Dreaming Part Deux

I'm looking back at some of my old entries of not having my dreams accepted by my family and doing what they wanted because I wanted to feel accepted even though it wasn't the real me that was being taken in.

One entry particular reached back at me especially in regards to black families and how some believe in raising their children. I do believe my family was on the extreme end of it but I also know that you can only do what you are taught unless you are strong enough to break outside of that. And the truth is, that not many people are willing to do the legwork to do that.

I think that I have done some things that are ingrained in my DNA but I can look back and reflect and know not to do it again. It might take me awhile to get there but I do, eventually. 

The person I was when I was writing that blog no longer exists. I'm not saying that I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that person but where I am now is not a bad place to be. I'm still chained to this house but I won't let myself be stuck here for another year. I am creating again, I have business cards, the website space has been reserved and I'm challenging my ideas of design and creating quirky things that showcase my personality. I'm teaching myself programming (slowly), I'm boning up on my French skills.  I started to travel more and I'm excited about traveling more during this upcoming year (some trips will be alone this time). I'm ready to go back to school (seriously) and I'm ready to leave the US for a chance to push the idea of what I know and deem to be true that much further.

I don't want nor do I need my family around to validate my dreams. I don't desire it anymore. I know that now. I have cut ties to the damaged parts and I'm moving forward from here on out and I don't want to apologize for it. 

Livin' for the Weekend

This week has been going by so fast and I feel I'm getting just a tiny bit of what I want to do accomplished. It sucks, truly. 

My plan for the next couple of days involve putting up the two most recent newsletters at my job, clean up files and invoice and make sure December's issue is almost ready to go. I'm glad this year is almost over - even though I'm contemplating looking for another job - when I get into graduate school next year, depending on where I end up; I might just stay at the current job and work there until I leave. 

Stunted

I have hit this road block of sorts in regards to my design life.

I hate road blocks; yes, I'm resilient but I still fucking hate road blocks. I've been trying to get the web page up for my design business but it's just not shaping up the way I want it too. I have been going through my archive, trying to remember certain key steps and of course, reading stuff on the web but so far nothing has helped me in the way that I want.

**cue overly dramatic sigh**

I'm trying my best not to be negative, I really am. I'm about to embark on starting a new blog soon but I would like to have my design site up and fully functional and not just in pieces. I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day right now but for right now, that's what I need. I don't want to have that much free time because then my mind tends to wander and focus on things it shouldn't. Having an assortment of things to do makes it harder for me to do that.

I bought a book on CSS and web design. I hope that helps me with the pitfalls I'm having and then I'll move on to PHP. I really want to do the freelance thing or perhaps work for a small, little design company - I have the creativity but to get it from my head to the page or web has proven challenging.

Nothing worth having comes easy, right? 

Anyone out there going through something similar? How do you get through it?

So...I tried Modern Dance on Saturday.

I think I actually had a some type of death wish. I woke up to do 12 minutes of MaxFit, then I went to derby practice and skated for two hours and then I followed it with an 1.5 hour modern dance class. I couldn't stand by the end of it and wanted nothing more but to sleep but did I? Nope.

Well, the modern dance teacher was a substitute and she kicked my ass. I haven't taken an official dance class in years and I only dabbled in modern but this really kicked my butt and it was fun. I definitely will  be going back and I really enjoyed the teacher even though she was tough but I've always enjoyed being forced to push myself. She kept telling us that in order to get better, you have to learn to challenge yourself and let yourself go. If we never challenged our bodies, we would never know what they are capable of. 

We danced to Maxwell's "Pretty Wings" and I felt like a fish out of water but that didn't stop me and little by little, I started to lose my inhibitions and let the music take over. I'm not saying it looked particularly pretty but I was in the moment - feeling the music and trying my best to have my body catch up with what was going on in my head. Reaching for something, challenging myself even if I wasn't quite sure with what I was doing; I did my best to keep on reaching.

I miss dancing, I miss challenging myself and my feelings and being exposed which is why I love the arts so much. I can channel all my feelings into other arena's instead of constantly verbalizing it. I can heal myself through art or creative expression instead of letting things stay bottled up inside me causing me more harm than good. I miss feeling free and limitless and walking into a room for an hour or so where I can leave my problems at the door and just let my body be my guide, I just miss it all.

I'll have to work at it to get back to where I once was, if I can at this point but I'm going to try my hardest or at least try, anyway.

The Danger of the Single Story

 
I got this clip off of chookooloonks blog yesterday and I wanted to share this with you. Not only is Chimamanda Adichie beautiful but you can see and feel her aura during her speech about the single story. I wish I could share this with people in my life (both new and old) because even though it can be hard, I wish more people took the insight that there is more to one person, one group of people, one country than one type of story.

Like she states in her speech that stereotypes are not necessarily untrue but it's just a single story, therefore it blinds us if we don't ever go outside ourselves (our way of thinking) to see what else is out there. 

This speech struck home with me, mainly because as an American, black female I often feel that I have to "prove" myself to defend that I'm not a "single story" that my story is one of many but it's my own and no one else can claim that but me. I also try my best to see everyone not in groups but as individuals each bringing their own stories mixed with their own trials and tribulations that make them all unique. Authentic to themselves - I hope - stories that are bold and muted, stable and disjointed but each a story that shapes the person into the person that they are, which to me is beautiful (even if I don't understand everything about them). 

I will have to look into reading some of her books.

Tarot Readings at the Beach

This past weekend, I got my cards read at the beach. It's the first time that I've done something like this so I wasn't sure what to expect. Growing up we were raised not to do these things and for awhile I didn't even dream of it. I just lumped tarot into the occult alongside the ouija board and all those other "games".

I haver been wanting to get my cards read for awhile mainly because I wanted to just experience to see if it's just some foolishness or maybe there is some credibility. So I let my friend, Jen read my cards. I thought quickly about the question I wanted to ask (it pertained to should I focus more on my current job OR should I start working on my second business more). I will have to perfectly honest, those cards read me like a book; it actually was too close to comfort.

I'm normally not moved by these type of things but it was so eerie. I was immediately taken aback, yea...I'm sure it sounds crazy to people who don't believe in that stuff but being that I'm a natural skeptic I didn't think it would have been so close.

Fast forward to yesterday, my friend sent me a job proposal that she wants me to accomplish for her newsletter. Basically, she wants me to redesign it for her so she have a sleeker interface.

I'm not saying the tarot cards predicted that because in all honesty that's not what tarot does but I find it amusing how things are starting to form a line of some sorts. This time I won't stop myself but will ride it out. I owe myself that much.

Update on 101 Things & Maybe A New List Addition?

I have to be honest but I have been sucking at working at my 101 Things, thankfully we do have 1001 days but that shouldn’t mean more time for slacking!

Well yesterday, I got my assignment for Girls on the Run! I’m excited because I will actually be involved with the Girls on Track—they cater to middle school girls, which is more of what I want to work with. I remember that my esteem issues didn’t really “blossom” until the middle school era even though it didn’t start there, of course. Not only that but I’ll be the Head Coach for these group of girls, so it will definitely be a learning experience for both me and them. I am quite excited, though! First, because it’s definitely a worthy cause that I believe in, which—HEY, knocks something of the 101 Things list—but I can hopefully help one girl (if more, that’ll be cool) see herself in a different light. I want to give someone the courage and insight that I never received NOT because it didn’t exist but because the people who I grew up around didn’t know how to go about giving it.

Also, I don’t remember how I got to the page but I ended up stumbling onto the Atlanta Roller Girls page—they are having tryouts in September! I haven’t skated seriously for quite some time but my interest was piqued so now I plan to do some training to see how I’d fair as a roller girl prior to the tryouts. I have a few months to train but there is a lot I need to learn between now and then. I need to get my hands on some quads (4 wheeled skates) and get my self into gear. If anything, it’s something new to do for exercise and it is something that until yesterday, I wasn’t sure that I would fit into it. I even came up with a name (I’m still thinking of ones, this one came to me instantly, though): Meanie Riphertons (a play on Minnie Ripherton, yes I know; I’m a dork!).

I’m excited none the less. I just need to get myself back on some skates!

A friend of mine is planning on going away for my birthday, so I’m happy about that. I need to get away from metro Atlanta but stay mindful of my budget. I will have to pay for some parking tickets, I know so I have no choice but to keep myself east coast. My lovely friend did mention that she would be willing to pay for more than 50% of the cost because we are going for my birthday! I swear, she is probably the best friend that I ever had. I’m so thankful that she is in my life—she’s more financially stable than I am, so she’s empathetic. I’m not sure if I’ll take her up on the gesture but just the fact that she put it out there once again reinforced how wonderful it is to have her so close to me in life.

So what’s next on the 101 Things? I want to get my palm read soon; there is a place that does it in Little Five Points. I’m working on my budget and getting it into a plan that I can hammer the bulk out over the summer or that’s the plan anyway. Not to mention get both my blog and design business cards made, I’ve had the designs finished for awhile now. While, I do have a prior design commitment that I have been working my tail off on once I get that squared away, I’ll have my cards printed!

Have you ever done something that people didn't expect of you? Did you go through with it, anyway or did you hold yourself back?

Feel free to leave a story or anecdote of any kind, it may be used for an upcoming article--so, I'm warning you now!

 

What is Your Type? Personality Wise I Mean...

Well, this morning I decided to do some early morning personality tests; first, because I was curious on whether I was a truly a Type A personality. I actually ended up taking a Meyers-Briggs test and finding out that I’m an ISTP.

 

I = Introvert

S = Sensing

T = Thinking

P = Perceiving

 

I’m not sure if a person has one true type but maybe one or two out of the 16 that makes up their personality but for starters, the ISTP personality type for the most part is on point!

 

Key Points

 

• Action – Oriented “Doers”. This is me to a ‘T’. I like things moving fast, with purpose and I love to see results. I typically have issues with long, drawn out projects that don’t have an end in sight. For example, right now I’m teaching myself QuickBooks for my current job, granted I am actually liking the program (this, coming from a creative person) but cleaning up my bosses old, decrepit invoice database is not that exciting on my mind because it’s long, tedious and even though I will be rewarded when or IF it ends but it’s going to take me quite awhile. So what do I do? I force myself to concentrate, I turn off my messenger programs turn on Songza and throw myself into the world of accounting. 

 

• Love Variety & New Experiences. This should be one of my personal quotes for this year. Routine bores me rather quickly, it might be fun at first but being complacent in life is not for me. Which is probably why I’m feeling like I’m in SUCH a rut, even though I have to make sure I’m more financially stable before I try something totally new being made to stay in one place doesn’t bode well with me. Outside of that, I love to try new ways of doing things even if it’s my daily work drive not to mention my love of all things dance. Pole dancing is actually one of the few things that keeps my love of new experiences in check—even though the physical act of pole dancing is quite similar but once you have the main tricks under your belt, or garter your imagination takes over as you flow seamlessly from trick to trick. I love it.

 

• Learn best “hands-on”. I’m not the type of person that can read a book or look at a diagram and make sense of something. I can understand it but it won’t fully click until I get ALL up in the mix (and I do mean, all up in it). My main side gig right now is doing casino parties on a freelance basis, I remember wanting to learn craps early next year (it pays more) and I had no clue what made up the game. I told my boss, Carla that I learn best hands on; throw me in it and I’ll make sure to swim; so she took me up on it and booked me on a party. It happened to be a HUGE craps loving crowd AND they knew how to play. Boy, was I schooled that night but you know what—even though my nerves were shot about it; I received an immense amount of training because of that night which caused me to pick up craps quicker and now, I pretty much deal that when I deal on casinos.

 

• Constantly gather facts about their environment and store them away. I usually have to warn people that I meet that I won’t remember your name but I will remember our conversation and pertinent facts surrounding our involvement. The things that my mind holds on to and recall with crystal clear vision whether it’s our old apartment in Manheim when I was in preschool, my mother’s hospital room, whatever. I can recall things like yesterday but I could see you everyday for a week and still not remember your name, it’s truly funny!

There are countless other traits that I identify with but some resonant with more than others and usually the information would take me countless hours to explain but it was really informative. If you have never taken a personality test before, I would recommend that you do it! If you have, what is your personality type and do you feel that it correctly describes you?  What are the things you strongly identify with and what traits do you disagree with?

101 Things in 1001 Days

Finally, this thing is done. Took me forever! I'm sure once I post this I will want to add so many more things! I will be starting this over Memorial Day weekend. I'm so nervous you have no idea because I NOW have to be accountable! I got this idea from both Jen & Zandria --Thanks for inspiring me ladies! 

Start: Friday, May 23, 2008

End: Friday, February 18, 2011

Travel

1. Travel out of state by myself.

2. Go somewhere off the East Coast.

3. Travel someplace where I have use to use my passport.

4. Go on a road trip.

5. Visit 3 states on the East Coast that I’ve never been. (RI, MA, FL, NH)

6. Go to the beach.

 

Blogging & Website Development

7. Attend a blogging convention.

8. Design personal website.

9. Guest blog on a site that differs from mine.

10. Design my business card.

11. Promote my blog/business on either Facebook or MySpace

12. Be on BlogTalk Radio

13. Brand my blog

14. Teach myself video editing techniques

15. Talk to people in person about both sites.

 

Writing

16. Write an arsenal of blog posts for one week of blogging.

17. Write the draft for my non-fiction book.

18. Write a poem & read it in public.

19. Take an editing course.

20. Submit an article(s) to Skirt Magazine.

 

Theatrics & Dance & Artistic Doings

21. Dance in a pole dance student showcase.

22. Wear something Magic City-esque to pole class (Magic City is the hood strip club)

23. Videotape myself pole dancing.

24. Go salsa dancing.

25. Dance for a friend/show them some moves to try out!

26. Submit a photo in a contest.

27. Design a shirt, get it made and wear it.

28. Learn a short monologue.

29. Try out for a play.

30. Take an acting/improv class or seminar.

 

Local Activities

31. Go the High Museum.

32. Go on a picnic outing to the park.

33. Attend a social meetup function

34. Attend a local gallery opening.

35. Document one day in pictures

36. Walk or Use Public Transport for an entire weekend.

 

Health & Fitness

37. Learn to swim.

38. Run 10 miles straight.

39. Do 10 pull ups.

40. Learn to rollerblade or attempt it.

41. Eat raw for 30 days.

42. Stay away from white sugar for 30 days.

43. Fast 12 times during the 1001 period.

44. Get back down into a split.

45. Learn how to do a cartwheel.

46. Do yoga once a week for a month.

47. Participate in a marathon.

48. Meditate every day for 3 weeks.

49. Cook a healthy meal 3 times a week for a month

 

Debt Management

50. Pay off my $500 credit card.

51. Pay down my $1600 credit card.

52. Bring my HOA up to current.

53. Pay off 1/3 of my bank loan.

54. Bring my lunch to work every day for 3 months.

 

Dating Myself Activities

55. Treat myself to a hotel night stay.

56. See a double feature at the movies

57. Treat myself to a spa day if not that, then a massage.

58. Go to a bar/club by myself

59. Attend a concert by myself (local band or national one)

60. Rent a luxury car for a day

61. Take a book to the park and read

 

Family Stuff

62. Go to Columbus to visit mom & see her family

63. See my grandfather

64. Call my uncle & aunts on my mother’s side.

65. Send family cards on holidays

66. Attend family reunion on mom’s side.

67. Call my dad once a week for a month.

68. Go see my mother’s niche in Columbus

 

Going Outside My Box

69. Volunteer for a worthy cause.

70. Learn basic Spanish

71. Communicate with someone in Spanish

72. Wear a bikini in public.

73. Sing at karaoke.

74. Have girlfriend or friends over for a wine & cheese party

75. Give someone my business card

76. Buy someone who catches my eye a drink

77. Wear garters and thigh highs everyday for a week

78. Wear jeans every day for a week.

79. Get my palm read.

80. Invite my friends over for a dinner party.

81. Hug every friend that I see for 3 months

 

Household Things

82. Keep my room & bathroom clean 30 days in a row

83. Stay in bed all day for 1 day.

84. Make myself a shirt or dress with my sewing machine.

85. Rent out my condo

86. Finish setting up my bathroom. Take pictures.

87. Hang up pictures of my mom & family in house

88. Make my bed everyday for 30 days.

Organizational Stuff

89. Purge closets.

90. Donate furniture, clothes that I no longer need.

91. Organize jewelry & makeup on counters

 

Randomness of Moi

92. Learn how to play poker

93. Watch the sunrise & sunset

94. Kiss someone in the rain.

95. Swear off tv, internet & phone for a week.

96. Pay for a stranger’s meal/drink when I’m out.

97. Learn to shoot a gun

98. Attend a carnival  & get on the Ferris Wheel

99. March in a parade.

100. Watch 3 classic romantic movies in one weekend

 

101. Do it all over again!