Love. Self. Entirely.

Curbing My Disillusionment

"The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chance of disillusionment."

I received this as my Quote of the Day and it hit the nail right on the head. Even though lately I have been quite content and still moving myself towards leaving Atlanta (even though it is going quiet SLOWLY), it's nice to see some type of reinforcement especially when you are heading towards uncharted waters.

My two classes will be over next week, so I can focus on my side projects fully again. I'm quite excited and I have so many ideas that I can't wait to execute. Next week, I will also find out what team I'll be skating on next year so we shall see how that pans out; I'm not that excited about it but there is nothing I can do about it so I just have to move forward. 

Right now, I'm thankful. I have to buy some more dental insurance and I'm going to take care of my teeth. I have a lot of work I need to do and I'm going to just do it. No more excuses, I'm going to take care of me - wish me luck for I hate dealing with the dentist!

Next year will be a healthier me, the next part will be moving this condo but it'll get done. I know it will I just have to figure out how to go about it. Here's to 2010 (yes, I know I'm a tad bit early)!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Blasts from the Past

It's funny that within the span of 3 days, I have come in contact with three people from my past. 

The first one was this boy I had an absolute crush on when I was in middle school and again in high school (even though I was just playing the role of the 100% straight girl at the time). He was tall, thin, into musicals, kind and hilarious - he was perfect (in my eyes, anyway) even though at the time he seemed a little bit "off" not in a bad way but off nonetheless. 

Creatively Dreaming Part Deux

I'm looking back at some of my old entries of not having my dreams accepted by my family and doing what they wanted because I wanted to feel accepted even though it wasn't the real me that was being taken in.

One entry particular reached back at me especially in regards to black families and how some believe in raising their children. I do believe my family was on the extreme end of it but I also know that you can only do what you are taught unless you are strong enough to break outside of that. And the truth is, that not many people are willing to do the legwork to do that.

I think that I have done some things that are ingrained in my DNA but I can look back and reflect and know not to do it again. It might take me awhile to get there but I do, eventually. 

The person I was when I was writing that blog no longer exists. I'm not saying that I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that person but where I am now is not a bad place to be. I'm still chained to this house but I won't let myself be stuck here for another year. I am creating again, I have business cards, the website space has been reserved and I'm challenging my ideas of design and creating quirky things that showcase my personality. I'm teaching myself programming (slowly), I'm boning up on my French skills.  I started to travel more and I'm excited about traveling more during this upcoming year (some trips will be alone this time). I'm ready to go back to school (seriously) and I'm ready to leave the US for a chance to push the idea of what I know and deem to be true that much further.

I don't want nor do I need my family around to validate my dreams. I don't desire it anymore. I know that now. I have cut ties to the damaged parts and I'm moving forward from here on out and I don't want to apologize for it. 

I'm feeling vulnerable today.

Right now.

This very second, I'm still quite vulnerable. The only difference is that I know this feeling will pass as quickly as it came.

So, since I'm doing my best to blog once a day. I will post about it here. I have this feeling of dread about next Friday, in regards to, the fact that I very well might see my ex. I know it's small on the grand scale of things and right now, it's still a big might but just the thought is enough to make me ill. You see, I subscribe to the notion of once you are in my "past" it's pretty damn well hard for me to ever allow you back in my space. It doesn't matter how brief or under what sense, it just doesn't happen (I'm like this with everyone not just ex's). I've contacted him once in order to get a paper faxed to me, I actually mailed him a letter, well I sent him the form and my fax number to send me the document that I needed. I followed up two weeks later with a text when I didn't receive anything leaving him my fax number again. That time, he texted me back saying he mailed it as of this writing I haven't received anything and I have not bothered to contact him again. I will have to deal with this on my own, I resolved.

Then I got my subpoena - I chopped it up to my traffic accident (which I hope that is what it's for because I don't know about anything else); so I figured there was another thing I'll have to handle on my own.

Then he texts me that he got one and wants to know if I received one and some other small talk bullshit. I didn't reply.

Yesterday, he called my phone and left a message for me to call him back when I had the time. I, at first, had to double check to make sure I was reading the number correctly because it didn't register at first. Then I just let it go to voice mail. 

I know why he's calling or at least my assumptions are probably very close if not exact and they all point to the court date next week.

Now I'm at this point where yes, I don't want to deal with him on any level and I know I carry around some unresolved anger (not a lot but I know it's there) that I really don't want to subject myself to any negativity - I don't want to feel bad about myself and he was a big source of that. The other part of me feels I should say something, what if he has some information that I don't have or some piece of the puzzle that I need to be let in on but with my not communicating I'm forcibly digging myself into a deeper hole? 

So, I go back and forth in my mind. I feel that I don't owe him an answer to anything but at the same time this involves me and I don't need to be screwed over again. I've had enough and I'm really, earnestly moving on so being sucked back into this (no matter how small) is really pissing me off. 

I'm not ready to communicate with him, this I do know. I just don't want it come back to bite me in the ass. 

On the plus side, I am thinking of starting a new blog (keeping this one), the new blog will be my side project that I hope to either make into a book or documentary, hell, maybe even both!

Battling the Alone Factor

All weekend, I have been battling the same basic emotion. Being alone. I've been rationalizing out in my mind, trying to make sense of it because it's been at the back of mind haunting me lately. My sleep patterns are all off, I can't be bothered to exercise and I was actually happy to be sick a good portion of this week because it would force me to sit in my loneliness and finally deal with it.

So I did.

And what I realized that my own thoughts, my own personal thoughts are damaged but at least I'm the only one that can see the truth well enough to sort them out. So, even though I will admit being surrounded by nothing but my own thoughts has unnerved the shit out of me; I actually haven't taken that much initiative to get me out of this situation. Soon, old thoughts came back to me about how I liked to be left alone and how much I enjoyed reading and listening to music like I used too. Without escaping from the daily strain of my personal life of how much I owed or how I felt like I was second to the person that I loved most. 

I will admit it hurts like hell and I rather not but I think to the future of being complete within myself and free - finally. Even though it hurts and I'm scared and some days all I can do is stare at my screen and dream, I will go through it alone this time. I ask for help when needed (which is huge for me) and then I go off and do what I need to do. I stumble, I fall backwards and some days I don't move an inch but on the days I can feel myself stronger than where I was once before - even if it's just a tiny blip on the radar of self fulfillment - then I know what I'm doing - this self imposed exile is really worth while.

If anything, I'm reading a lot of books right now. I have read 3 out of the 4 Twilight saga novels in 2 days, discovered a lot more blogs, went out to eat alone and realize that I need to design a newsletter layout before Wednesday (my second paid gig!), baby steps, baby steps...

Coming Full Circle

Almost a week ago today, the end of a huge chapter in my life happened. This chapter, has been circling around me for the past 4 years in various stages of importance. Granted, I think it was more important than not towards the end, it was met with mostly indifference.

Yes, I'm referring to a relationship. In every aspect of the word. Looking back on it, it's hard for me to believe I was there for that long OR how understanding I was. Am I truly that compassionate or was I fooling myself? I think a little of both, even though I'm very caring to the ones I love.

This Too Shall Pass

I try my best to be a good person. I know my faults (at least, I know quite a number of them) and sometimes I let how others may feel about me – at that particular time – dictate how I start viewing myself.

This has been going on for the better part of three weeks. I can feel the slow slide of positive energy that I once was cultivating and you know what I realized, that I’m angry.

Not just at the situations causing me to backslide that I’m allowing myself too. I allow myself to be treated badly and I then begin to treat myself the same way. Even if someone is not directly affecting me; I seem to take it all on in some way.

It’s destructive; it brings me no sense of peace and I can no longer let myself be sucked up by it.

Subconsciously, I believe part of my mind thinks its karma and that someone is paying me back from a past transgression but maybe that’s something I have to tell myself in order to tolerate BS behavior.

I’m not playing the victim because I have done bad things myself but I’ve turned a lot around about myself for the past year – more so now that I’m 26 and challenging myself and being more pro-active about my finances instead of the other way around. I’m moving forward, I’m trying my best not to hold myself back and I’d like to think that’s what I’m giving out to the universe now.

I pose a question to any person that reads my blog, do you fear your possible potential so therefore you “dumb” things down yourself or allow someone else too so you don’t move further. I’m not saying you fall back – even though that can happen, I’m sure; but you stay somewhat stunted, incapable of growth.

I believe that’s what I do or have been doing and forcing myself to go against my grain allows it to be less of an issue but these days I see how hard it is for me to fully let go of something that has been drilled into for God knows how long. 

I plan to go into more detail of it at a later time but I’d like to end this weekend on a positive note so drum roll, please!

My father turned 50 this week! To all who knows he has limited kidney function and several other problems, the doctor says his vitals are improving surprisingly enough so I’m quite excited about that! I want to see my daddy around for 30+ years to come. I told him to go see Tropic Thunder…he wasn’t the biggest fan (btw, GO SEE THAT MOVIE!).

Happy 3-day weekend to everyone! Any exciting events going down?

Wednesday Rant: Settle or not to Settle?

I’m sitting here right now drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee NOT because I like the taste but I need the caffeine today.

Last night, my friend from prior posts (I should give her a clever pseudonym) called me in a fit. The guy hasn’t been changing quite like she thought he would so that they can be together. Granted, it hasn’t been a week yet but at the same time this guy KNEW what he was doing.

So she decided to walk away from the relationship last night, for how long; I’m not certain. After of course, writing a long closure email.

This is where my rant starts.

The End of My 25th Year

Being that tomorrow is my birthday, I’m in such a wild, giddy state that it’s hard for me to focus long enough to post (yes, I’m that serious). So, let's see where this post goes -- I'm typing unscripted here! 

Not to mention, I’m excited about escaping Atlanta for a little bit, so I’m just counting down the days!

I’m not sure if I have verbally posted this before but I’m currently looking to change up my blog not necessarily design wise (because I’m working on that – I have a feeling I might have to switch to Wordpress, so I’ll have more freedom) but content wise.

I realize I’m getting all up in my head, so I won’t get to deep in the topic. I just have to figure it all out.

I think not having a message bothers me but maybe not having a “message” is suiting me just perfectly…right now. Hell, if I truly know – I do feel the dim pangs of frustration lurking, though.

Outside of that, I’m doing well. I started this aggressive pole dancing class, which I love. I am hurting, I challenged the strength of my body and I can’t wait to do some suicidal moves! An acquaintance of mine is also throwing a pole party and she wants me and another classmate to be the opening number. It’s funny, I have no problem performing, talking in front of strangers but once I know you, I become a deer in headlights. I really need to work on that.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan on getting my naval pierced AND purchasing my quads (aka, roller skates), so I can practice more. I went to a roller derby game on Saturday and I met Scarbie Doll – she’s awesome and seeing the game in action reinforced why I want to do derby. It combines a lot of what makes me who I am; you can be smart, sassy, sexy and strong – a quadruple threat, and that may not be where I am all the time currently but it will be one day soon.

Maybe today will be my introspective day. It’s dawning on me that I’ll be one year older, happy yes but now I’m ready to take myself to the next level. This will be my last blog post from my 25^th year, so I’ll do my best to end this posting with some style.

I started my 25^th year feeling low, unloved, heavier than I was used to being, unsure of who my real friends were, who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Acting on self-destructive tendencies, clinging to unhealthy ways of living and letting anger, hurt and frustration run my life. I did have some good times but looking back, I realized that I let A LOT of my issues control me and not the other way around. So, I’m leaving that in the past, I won’t dog myself; I will let this shit go and keep it moving.

I’m ending my 25^th year with a job that I love with a boss who is OFF HIS CHAIN but amazing, with my drive back, of wanting to help others besides myself, with wanting to go back to school (reminder to self: need to call London!), of wanting to end the curses of financial debt. With the desire to be healthy, emotionally and physically of speaking my mind even if I’m the only one strong enough too, of channeling my aggression into healthy activities (hello, kickboxing & roller derby), of learning to feel sexy with my body the way it is NOW, not where it will be eventually be (maybe). Appreciating my time, my true friends, family, my blogger buddies and myself. J

My friend Margs bought me an affirmation deck for my birthday (she also cooked me breakfast—she’s fantabulous!). I pulled one today and I feel this one sets the tone for the end of this year and the start of the new one.

“I KNOW that old, negative patterns no longer limit me. I let them go with ease.”

I love this affirmation deck already! How was everyone's weekend?

To Make You Feel My Love - An Ode To Girlfriends

I commented in an earlier post that lately I have been feeling like I have been “falling in love with myself”. Last night, I was talking to my best friend about this topic. Recently, out of a serious relationship (her first serious one with a man), she is feeling a loss of her self, no energy, and no hope. How all of us feel when we lose someone important to us. I listened with a sympathetic ear because I have – of course – been there myself and when she finally exhausted herself; she asked me “How do I get over this? What am I supposed to do? I’m damaged goods.”

I piped as soon as that statement left her mouth. I have a strong negative connotation when it comes to using that word, damaged good to me symbolizes someone or something that is sub par; not worth any time or energy because they CAN’T be repaired.

Her situation can be repaired (and will), it just takes time. I know because I’ve been there (in some ways, I still am), anyone who has ever loved before, has; it’s human nature to grieve a loss of any kind.

Looking back on my situation (current and otherwise), I felt the one thing that kept me going was that I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad enough about myself that I don’t honor my life and my body. Did I feel like my best friend at one point in time; of course, yes. Did I cry in public everywhere and anywhere for weeks on end – you bet your arse, I did! Did I feel ashamed about it? For once, no because I was allowing myself to hurt.

I surely wasn’t raised that way. It was something I had to learn on my own. I’ll be honest I have issues with abandonment, I’m struggling to come to complete grips with them because I don’t form attachment easily, so when I do; it’s hard for me to let go.

Losing my mother taught me that even though you may not be READY; sometimes for their sake (or even, your own) you have to let it all go and trust that you will be okay, eventually.

It took me years to start feeling alive again; to start feeling some sense of myself (and I’m still learning to appreciate it). I had to let go of what’s familiar and go outside of my comfort zone. That’s where my love of pole dancing came from and I believe that’s where my newfound love of derby skating stems from.

I understand now that people and things will come and go but I still have things that I love in my life; things that are mine, which no one else can touch. Things I can lean on when times get hard and I’m not sure what to do at least I know this will make me happy.

Some days, I wonder if it makes any sense. It does for me and for now; that’s all that matters.

What about you? What do you guys do or have that is yours, and just yours alone? Have you shared it with anyone else? Why or why not?