Love. Self. Entirely.

My Weekly To - Do

I'm going to take Shannon's Advice on starting a weekly to-do list. I need to get my procrastination under control. I have all these mini projects in various stages and I need to get something completed. Granted, this is a huge part of my DNA - I am the person who will juggle many thing simultaneously and only have one completed. 

With my going away for the greater portion of this week, I aim to resolve a good portion of this list. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

1. Write my SOP's for the graduate programs. 
2. Send the paperwork to all the people who are writing my recommendations. 
3. Put the main page up for my website.
4. Write down the concept for my next blog/project.
5. Knit two scarves for the Shepherd Spinal Center Family Project.
6. Clean my room before I leave to go home.
7. Finish all my holiday card designs.
8. Start typing up my screenplay.
9. Out of the 4 books that I bought last week, my goal is to finish 1 - if I can get two done, all the better.
10. Start looking at the workshop schedule from last years Sex 2.0 (quite excited about this) and begin organizing it for next year. 
11. Go to a crafts store, I need to stock up on supplies. I'm making gifts this year.
12. Fold my clothes. I hate folding clothes.
13. Call USAA about my wooden floor in the hallways. I'm hoping my house insurance covers it and I don't have to come out of pocket.
14. Look for a washer and dryer. 
15. Try to attend a dance class before I go back home.
16. Get my coat and boots out of storage.
17. Talk to storage facility about switching into a smaller storage unit.
18. Plan out visits with friends. Right now, I'm ALL over the place.
19. Build an arsenal of blog posts. I don't want to have to write for this blog until next Tuesday - if I can help it.
20. Write down advertising concepts.

Okay, this is just a small list. Let's see how many I can get done. 

Persistence Is Key, My Dear.

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but through persistence."

Buddha

 

Persistence thy name is Cynthia. If there were one word that describes my character to the “T” – well, er “C” that would be persistent. I have been called that since I can remember and up until recently, I never gave it another thought – I thought it was another deviant trait of my personality.

Until I realized that my persistence has shaped me into the person I am today and the one I aim on becoming.  Sure, having things done to you or for you shapes the way you view the world – it has for me, anyway. Yet, I can’t help but realize that every significant change (minus my mothers passing) that has come across me is due to my going for the gold even if I fall on my proverbial butt.

I Need A H.E.R.O.

Today my tire decided to blow on my way to work. Luckily, I felt something was a bit off and pulled over to the side of the road just as my tire decided to officially give out.

For some reason, I was eerily calm. I went outside, checked to see what tire it was and climbed back into my car and dialed Georgia Dept. of Transportation kindly requesting that a H.E.R.O. (coincidentally, enough I was listening to Nas’ new song “Hero” – maybe a premonition of some kind?) truck help me with my flat tire. Now, I don’t have a problem changing a flat myself but as I was pulling my donut out of the trunk, I didn’t see a jack anywhere not to mention the dress I have on is predisposed to coming up at the most inopportune times (I flashed a couple of drivers by this AM – nothing like bright, yellow panties to wake you up in the morning!), so I decided to sit this one out.

Which, was the best thing I could have done. I went through all these random papers that I had compiled in stacks of various bags. I organized my folders, I made some business calls all while watching the recklessness of 400 drivers as I waited on my little yellow truck to arrive.

Instead of cursing my car, which is the norm I just took this little break as time to do things that I have been putting off because I was either too tired or didn’t want to go back out to my car to handle it. Now, I had no choice – I was stuck in my car needing to pass the time, so I finally handled my business.

I think I might invest in a scooter. 

Update on 101 Things & Maybe A New List Addition?

I have to be honest but I have been sucking at working at my 101 Things, thankfully we do have 1001 days but that shouldn’t mean more time for slacking!

Well yesterday, I got my assignment for Girls on the Run! I’m excited because I will actually be involved with the Girls on Track—they cater to middle school girls, which is more of what I want to work with. I remember that my esteem issues didn’t really “blossom” until the middle school era even though it didn’t start there, of course. Not only that but I’ll be the Head Coach for these group of girls, so it will definitely be a learning experience for both me and them. I am quite excited, though! First, because it’s definitely a worthy cause that I believe in, which—HEY, knocks something of the 101 Things list—but I can hopefully help one girl (if more, that’ll be cool) see herself in a different light. I want to give someone the courage and insight that I never received NOT because it didn’t exist but because the people who I grew up around didn’t know how to go about giving it.

Also, I don’t remember how I got to the page but I ended up stumbling onto the Atlanta Roller Girls page—they are having tryouts in September! I haven’t skated seriously for quite some time but my interest was piqued so now I plan to do some training to see how I’d fair as a roller girl prior to the tryouts. I have a few months to train but there is a lot I need to learn between now and then. I need to get my hands on some quads (4 wheeled skates) and get my self into gear. If anything, it’s something new to do for exercise and it is something that until yesterday, I wasn’t sure that I would fit into it. I even came up with a name (I’m still thinking of ones, this one came to me instantly, though): Meanie Riphertons (a play on Minnie Ripherton, yes I know; I’m a dork!).

I’m excited none the less. I just need to get myself back on some skates!

A friend of mine is planning on going away for my birthday, so I’m happy about that. I need to get away from metro Atlanta but stay mindful of my budget. I will have to pay for some parking tickets, I know so I have no choice but to keep myself east coast. My lovely friend did mention that she would be willing to pay for more than 50% of the cost because we are going for my birthday! I swear, she is probably the best friend that I ever had. I’m so thankful that she is in my life—she’s more financially stable than I am, so she’s empathetic. I’m not sure if I’ll take her up on the gesture but just the fact that she put it out there once again reinforced how wonderful it is to have her so close to me in life.

So what’s next on the 101 Things? I want to get my palm read soon; there is a place that does it in Little Five Points. I’m working on my budget and getting it into a plan that I can hammer the bulk out over the summer or that’s the plan anyway. Not to mention get both my blog and design business cards made, I’ve had the designs finished for awhile now. While, I do have a prior design commitment that I have been working my tail off on once I get that squared away, I’ll have my cards printed!

Have you ever done something that people didn't expect of you? Did you go through with it, anyway or did you hold yourself back?

Feel free to leave a story or anecdote of any kind, it may be used for an upcoming article--so, I'm warning you now!

 

Kicking Myself Back Into Gear

Discussing my recent anxiety over my triggers last week opened up a can of worms within myself that maybe was a long time coming.

The fact that I believed I had more of a handle on things but in reality, I was still suffering through some type of denial. I see that clearly now.

My need for control stems from the idea that currently I don’t feel like I’m in control of my life. Granted, I am of course but it doesn’t feel like that. 

Partially because complacency is much simpler to deal with and rationalize while confronting my issues has become very draining. Not to mention, I have this sinus infection that is kicking my ass but I digress.

I obsess about things involving my body because I have this twisted correlation that if I don’t have control there; I won’t anywhere. Also, I feel that (in my mind, of course) bad things happen to me because of how I look.

“I didn’t get that job offer because of it; I have self destructive relationships because of it; I’m unlovable, etc, etc.”

Even though, I’m more pro-active of banishing these thoughts, I think with all that has been going on the past two weeks, I have let my self-care slip and started to fall back into familiar patterns.

Posting the honest truth that I struggled with wanting to starve myself all last week was a big step for me. NOT because I admitted it to everyone—even though that helped but that I didn’t try to sugarcoat my reasoning on WHY I wanted to do it so that I could feel pacified.

I’m tired of making excuses.

• The truth is that I’m trying to figure out some budget cuts, which cause me more anxiety, then ever before –so I feel a loss of control.
• The truth is that I’m not exactly sure what I want to do with my life and I’m tired of being stuck! I am not sure where my strengths are, exactly –thus, causing me more stress and anxiety.
• The truth is I’m debating on whether I should try letting my guards down in other aspects of my life. I’ve been hurt before, so it’s hard to trust again. Not to mention, if the situation is even worth my trying to trust. (ANXIETY)

Anxiety leads to my feeling powerless, which leads to my issues with control and the one thing I could always control in my life, was my food intake.

So, I plan to take off one day either this week or the next and get my affairs in order. My body will no longer bear the brunt of my frustrations because I’m too anxious or AFRAID to deal with my shit head on.

I realize posting this will provoke some anxiety because I feel once I put this out there; I will have to keep myself honest. 

Anyone have any good advice for budget cutting? I've been reading books and I printed out my bank statement to highlight. I think I just need to make a bigger allowance for GAS, Atlanta is such a driving town it's quite annoying!

Oh, and if anyone knows what helped you to identify your strengths and would like to pass along some anecdotal evidence, feel free to bring that up as well. 

Trigger Me This...

Triggers.

I wonder what doesn’t trigger me lately. Honestly, I am surprised that I haven’t been triggered more with all that has been going on for the past two weeks.

Being that two of the blogs that I regularly read were discussing their triggers in regards to their body issues, I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon and do the same.

I haven’t been heavily involved in my disordered eating as of late but I have noticed that I’ve been walking slowly up that path again.

The scale triggers me big time. So, I’ve taken to only weighing myself once a week. I’ve had periods where I would weigh myself every day and when the scale fluctuates a little bit, I won’t eat for a day. I haven’t done that since earlier this year, though.

Recently, I got on the scale and didn’t like the number that stared back at me. I know some of it has to do with my gaining muscle and all that, so I don’t feel as bad but I’d like to see that number lower. So instinctively, my first instinct was to starve myself for the day (my second alternative is to eat nothing but granola bars—something like that).

I’m being honest, the urge is there and I really want to do it.

Another obstacle is that my trainer has been after me for weeks to write down my food schedule so she could see it. Have I done it? Nope. Again, I know I SHOULD do it but I don’t.

I realize that I have this fear of someone dissecting my eating. I go into overdrive, maybe I’m eating the wrong type of thing, my portions are out of control, and will she notice my patterned eating with food? Even if I’m not engaging in destructive eating behavior at the time, my anxiety still runs at full pace.

I know this, I’ll admit to my procrastination and denial of a part of my triggered eating patterns and today, I’m forcing myself to document my eating and send it to my trainer.

I don’t want to do it but I need to do it; that’s the difference. When it comes to my urge to starve myself to budge the scale, I remind myself that unless I’m fasting (which I’ll only do for a day at time), there will be no denial of food. I deserve to eat, starving myself won’t control my eating, it’ll just cause me to binge eventually, which wouldn’t be conducive to anything I’m trying to do with my life.

This weekend, I’m stocking up on fruits and vegetables for the week and I’ll be going to my therapist for sure.

**I apologize if my description was too detailed, I tried not to get into anything graphic.**

Get Out of My Way, Self!

My procrastinating has been getting the best of me. It’s really bad and I know it but it seems I can’t get myself motivated to do anything about it. Well, not at full force, anyway.

I’ve wanted to write down my list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days list. Do I know what I want to put on the list? Yes, I have several things but have I bothered to write it down? No.

If I write it down, it’s out of my head and somehow it becomes more concrete. Then I have to hold myself to it, which causes all this built up pressure in my head.

The same thing is happening with this article that I want to write for another blog. Getting an article published here would greatly help the traffic to my site and the article would be on an issue I know a lot about. Yet, if I write this article and get more traffic that means I’ll have to produce more content, right?

What if my content won’t ever be good enough?

I know; I’m getting in my own way. It’s not a pity party in the least. In all actuality, when I first started blogging about my journey, I was fine. Now, I’ve fallen more in love with the blogosphere and my writing and how free I’ve become in other aspects of my life but for the past week, my self-doubt has been off the chain!

For me, self-doubt creeps up when I’m moving forward positively in my life. I have been making great progress with my workout, therapy, my appearance and this week; I have just been in the doldrums.

Currently, my room is a mess. I’ve heard that your living space is a reflection of what’s going on in your mind and if that’s the case. Well, I’ve been living in a tornado for the past week. I will be tackling that, I believe when my space is back in order, my mind will be less cluttered.

I’ve been reading Tina Su’s blog, Think Simple Now and she touched on how we as humans get so bogged down with the idea of having things that it overwhelms us. I plan to implement some of her strategies and throw some of my own into the mix this weekend; I’ll have to remember to document my progress.

For most of the week I’ve stayed in workout clothes and flip-flops; thankfully the dress code at the office is quite flexible!

Today, I did force myself to put on heels to snap myself out of this funk. It’s worked out thus far, not to mention it’s Friday and a payday!

I do plan to do a videoblog sometime this weekend on this topic; I’ll go further into my issues with procrastination then.

When you are feeling less than stellar, what do you do? What are your mantras? I plan on coming up with one when the procrastination bug gets to me, I’d love to hear yours and anything else you’d like to share!

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Yesterday, I touched upon my issues with procrastination. I feel that is one of my most undesirable character traits. Often times I blamed it on my special type of “OCD” or that there weren’t enough hours in the day and that there was always tomorrow! Of course, tomorrow would arrive and I would scramble around making another batch of excuses to combat why I was delaying what ever project I had on my calendar. It could have been something simple like washing my car, doing the laundry or exercising but I would still convince myself that it wasn’t something I had to do right this second and I could push it aside.

Lately, I have been struggling hard with this procrastination issue. But instead of making excuses, I’m handling it and doing my best to get to the bottom of the issue. The fact is, is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop procrastinating that the divide between me and supposed failure will be that much thinner and part of me wonders if I can handle it.

I’m afraid to fail, I’m worried that it might not be what I want and I’d have devoted all this time to something that didn’t get me anywhere. I don’t think I’m good enough to be what I really want, I’m even AFRAID to figure out what I really want to do.

So instead, I procrastinate…I push it away, out of my head for that hour, that day, month or year; but it always comes creeping on back in. I have tried out sleeping it, out drinking it, out – well, you get the idea; I have pretty much tried everything humanly possible to stop these thoughts that plague my brain.

I have even used my lesser procrastinations (i.e. washing my car, laundry, etc.) as tools to blow off the bigger things that I know I should handle. Which worked just fine for me, until this year, I can’t explain it really. Something went off inside me and I knew I couldn’t just coast on through my life having private trepidations hold me back repeatedly. Not when I have so much I want to do, not after losing my mother in a span of one month and being powerless about it. I can feel my potential but I was too scared shitless to utilize it.

I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to be a supporting character in my own life and if I wanted to accomplish anything, I couldn’t wait for it to happen. I had to get off my comfy arse and get too it!

I started reading self help books, travel books, writing books. I renewed my passport; started running took up dance again. I got out there, I got involved in my life and I’m still adding new things to do. It’s not about being great at everything now because I know that I can’t be but I’m never going to know where my strengths are until I get out there and try.

So what’s in store for me?
1. Writing, this blog and my book
2. Losing the last stubborn bit of this weight
3. Travel off the East coast by myself
4. Video blog
5. Apply to graduate programs both here and in London

What gets in your way? Have you been able to conquer it? If you are a former procrastinator, I would love to hear your insight!

Car + Gas = Movement

I've been known to procrastinate a time or two or three...

So Sunday, I was out early trying to get an oil change for my car because it’s way past due. I looked down at my gas gauge and I noticed that it said 25 miles before my tank is empty. I thought to myself, “I don’t need to stop, I have enough gas to get to Wal-Mart”, granted I didn’t even know where this Wal-Mart was exactly but I had a good feeling I’d make it there in time. A gas station came up to a gas station on my left, I kept going. Came to a light there sat a gas station on my right and I still kept going.

So, I guess you can figure out what happened. My car gave a little shudder, so I swerved all the way over to the turning lane. I stopped at the red light and waited for my turn to go, I could even see the station bright as day right across the street, and then I felt it. Another sputter followed by a shake, instinctively I pushed on the gas to move forward. I moved forward a smidge than stillness, no sound, no nothing but stillness. My car decided to putter right out of gas, in the left hand turning lane of one of the busiest intersections on Cobb Parkway. Cars were lining up behind me; I could hear the honking echo behind as I sat looking forward at the light changing from green blending into yellow sliding right into red.

Well, since my car wasn’t going anywhere and the lights were going to keep changing, I did what every sensible, urban chick would do, I turned on my hazard lights opened up my car door and prepared to run to the gas station. Well, that all changed as soon as I opened up the door and a strong gust of wind came blowing in causing my dress to fly up. Sexy, yes I know but thankfully someone stopped to help after seeing my plight of trying to run while holding my dress in place. I would like to think that they stopped because I was a young woman walking alone not due to the unintentional flashing of my pink trousers.

Suffice it to say, I got my gas and a kind, older gentlemen made sure I got my car back up and running and to the nearest gas station.

And you know what; I owned my accountability for what happened. I couldn’t be angry, I couldn’t play the victim this was my fault. I knew how much gas I had in my car but I took the risk anyway. I passed two other gas stations that were within easy access and I passed them because I swore I could make it to Wal-Mart. I wanted to wait until the last possible second to fill up because (like grocery shopping), I hate stopping for gas. So, I waited because I knew I had this beat so when my car stopped at a busy intersection on Sunday, I didn’t even bother swearing or trying to rationalize it in my head. I messed up; I knew it all the people behind me knew it and I had to deal with the consequences. I wanted to do things when I wanted too, of course my car had different plans but now I realize that when opportunity presents itself on MULTIPLE occasions, maybe I should get outside of my pride/ego and think with some common sense. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today? (I think I’m taking this cliché thing too far but its true). I had ample opportunity to put gas in my car but I chose to ignore because I felt I needed to get somewhere.

If you think about it, that’s how some people coast through life only stopping when they are forced too not by making the conscious choice to do it themselves. There are plenty of things that you can be doing today that you might not be thrilled about possibly but it shouldn’t deter you, if anything It’ll make your arrival your destination that much smoother in the end.
Granted, I could always fall back on CPT and say it’s in my blood to wait until the last minute. CPT stands for Colored People Time by the way. I realize I can’t stand and hold true to that claim, though. It would be considered generalizing and I’m trying my best not to do that.

Are there things that you are delaying in your own life because you feel like you’ll get to them when you want too? Just remember, when opportunity presents itself don’t always let it pass you by or else you may end up like me, stranded in the middle of the interstate trying to figure out how to quickly fix a situation that could have been avoided, if procrastination wasn’t an issue.

Good Times.