Love. Self. Entirely.

Why Get Married (aka. Tiger Woods Y'all)?

I don't understand why in this day and age, it is still seen as inappropriate in plenty of circles for gay couples that are in loving and committed relationships to get married but it's okay for straight couples to make a mockery of this so called "sacred" right.

Give me a fucking break.

First there is Shaquille O'Neill and his various marriage drama. How did he go undetected for 5 years?! That, I don't know. Then there is Tiger Woods, the all American poster boy who seems to have had a jump-off in multiple cities while his wife sat at home with their children. At least she did what most women tend not to do in these situations, she took action and made him know that his actions were not okay but seriously, I don't understand the mentality of the cheating husband or wife.

I think as humans we know what we are capable of WHETHER you listen to that voice or not, you still know whether you are capable of being faithful or not. I personally want to scream when I see how all these people are rallying around these famous people or sports stars saying that they have all these other outside "temptations" that the common person doesn't, which I can't say that isn't true but I do believe people know about those type of "temptations" prior to getting married - since most get married while they are famous. So you know about the lifestyle and yet, you still decide to get married. Therefore, that doesn't hold with me, if you can't keep it together then either don't get married or at least divorce your spouse before you start stepping out.

Is it that hard? Is being married to somebody that complex or complicated? I tell you what, if more people who have had cheating done to them acted like Tiger's wife maybe cheating wouldn't be looked at as something that is readily accepted these days.

I'm not going to take it

Last night, I went to my first derby practice in Stone Mountain. It wasn't as daunting as I grew to expect. I was perfectly fine with it, actually. I did have some pangs because I realized I wasn't that far from my ex's but I wasn't as sad --it was more bittersweet because there was a part of me that wanted to see him and there is the other part (the bigger part) that just wanted to go to the skating rink, do my thing and then leave. 

The practice was hard, which I'm happy for because I'm trying to tone up and lose some poundage but on my way back across town, I received two texts from my roommate. She texted me around 10:30 - 10:45 at night --she's been out of town -- asking if I would come to the airport (that was the first text) to come  get her, the second text asked if I couldn't do that would I mind picking her up from the station. Her flight would be landing at 11:50pm. I didn't even bother to respond. 

Lately, I have been more cognizant of the folks I deal with in my daily life and yes, we do live together but I really don't deal with her NOT because she isn't a nice person --she is-- but I don't have time to deal with people who want me to help them out on their terms. She was gone all weekend but asked me an hour before she was supposed to land for a ride? When she knows I have to get up and work the next day and I don't have the luxury of sleeping in because I don't work nights (like she does). Did I also mention that she owes me half the rent for October, which I have been somewhat nice about - well, I gave her to the end of this week to come up with something. So, I didn't answer her, I went home, took a shower and went to bed. No more, says I. No more. I'm not extending myself for people who barely extend themselves for me. 

I hate when I have to let my inner bitch out. I prefer a quiet, serene life but after all the stuff I've allowed to happen to me in regards to my ex, my family and some of my friends; I really don't have the time, energy or want to be flexible for people. I've been flexible all of my life; I'm spent, I will only help people who I know will help me.

Welcome Back to the Wednesday Rant!

I have been noticing lately that the older I get, the more my sensitivity is often piqued. It seems that even though I was slightly sensitive when I was younger (teens, young adult, etc); I often had I don't give a good damn aesthetic that I've come to see as a coping mechanism. Or maybe, I'm just too old to worry about putting up that "strong" front, something has hurt me and I want to feel that pain and not care who knows it.

This past weekend, I was hurt real bad. It was something derby related and it hurt me...alot. So much so, that I left the game right after it was over and went home. Now, I'm okay but it took me at least a day to shake the anger. 

Politics & Work Don't Mix.

Today is my usual Wednesday rant. The topic today is about people who feel it’s “owed” to them, what exactly does that mean – you may ask yourself.  Well, to me it means that you feel that you deserve something OR you don’t have to follow certain guidelines because it’s “owed” to you.

For instance, I don’t go too much into politics in this blog – mainly because this not a political blog and I’d go crazy dissecting politics every day. I realize I have a varied readership and I’m sure there are some differences of opinion across the board and that’s fine; politics is NOT my passion so it doesn’t come into play as much.

Now, I’m old school (at times); for the sake of everything being quiet, I feel there are certain places where talking about politics would be acceptable to me, WORK is not the place. I don’t care if we may be voting for the same person or just because we may be the same ethnicity doesn’t mean that we are on the same political wavelength or that I feel the need to discuss it with you.

I talked to another friend and we both felt he same way. Work is work; you keep all that stuff outside because that’s not what they are paying you for.

I don’t feel the need to rally together while on the clock to discuss the happenings of the election; I’m not focused on it and please, don’t venture over to me to talk about it and please don’t get mad if I have to keep reminding – albeit nicely – about that fact.

We are not friends, we are not family, we aren’t together in any possible way; we are co-workers and that’s it.

It’s not personal; it’s business. 

I don’t know about you all, maybe I’m being too strict but I really can’t stand people who just want to talk about the election “just because”. Not when I’m at work (especially now, when I’m stressed) and I have 10 million things to do. Just because we might share something in common does not equate to a personal invitation to discuss things like that at length.

It just really burns my wheat toast!

What say you all?

This Too Shall Pass

I try my best to be a good person. I know my faults (at least, I know quite a number of them) and sometimes I let how others may feel about me – at that particular time – dictate how I start viewing myself.

This has been going on for the better part of three weeks. I can feel the slow slide of positive energy that I once was cultivating and you know what I realized, that I’m angry.

Not just at the situations causing me to backslide that I’m allowing myself too. I allow myself to be treated badly and I then begin to treat myself the same way. Even if someone is not directly affecting me; I seem to take it all on in some way.

It’s destructive; it brings me no sense of peace and I can no longer let myself be sucked up by it.

Subconsciously, I believe part of my mind thinks its karma and that someone is paying me back from a past transgression but maybe that’s something I have to tell myself in order to tolerate BS behavior.

I’m not playing the victim because I have done bad things myself but I’ve turned a lot around about myself for the past year – more so now that I’m 26 and challenging myself and being more pro-active about my finances instead of the other way around. I’m moving forward, I’m trying my best not to hold myself back and I’d like to think that’s what I’m giving out to the universe now.

I pose a question to any person that reads my blog, do you fear your possible potential so therefore you “dumb” things down yourself or allow someone else too so you don’t move further. I’m not saying you fall back – even though that can happen, I’m sure; but you stay somewhat stunted, incapable of growth.

I believe that’s what I do or have been doing and forcing myself to go against my grain allows it to be less of an issue but these days I see how hard it is for me to fully let go of something that has been drilled into for God knows how long. 

I plan to go into more detail of it at a later time but I’d like to end this weekend on a positive note so drum roll, please!

My father turned 50 this week! To all who knows he has limited kidney function and several other problems, the doctor says his vitals are improving surprisingly enough so I’m quite excited about that! I want to see my daddy around for 30+ years to come. I told him to go see Tropic Thunder…he wasn’t the biggest fan (btw, GO SEE THAT MOVIE!).

Happy 3-day weekend to everyone! Any exciting events going down?

I Need A H.E.R.O.

Today my tire decided to blow on my way to work. Luckily, I felt something was a bit off and pulled over to the side of the road just as my tire decided to officially give out.

For some reason, I was eerily calm. I went outside, checked to see what tire it was and climbed back into my car and dialed Georgia Dept. of Transportation kindly requesting that a H.E.R.O. (coincidentally, enough I was listening to Nas’ new song “Hero” – maybe a premonition of some kind?) truck help me with my flat tire. Now, I don’t have a problem changing a flat myself but as I was pulling my donut out of the trunk, I didn’t see a jack anywhere not to mention the dress I have on is predisposed to coming up at the most inopportune times (I flashed a couple of drivers by this AM – nothing like bright, yellow panties to wake you up in the morning!), so I decided to sit this one out.

Which, was the best thing I could have done. I went through all these random papers that I had compiled in stacks of various bags. I organized my folders, I made some business calls all while watching the recklessness of 400 drivers as I waited on my little yellow truck to arrive.

Instead of cursing my car, which is the norm I just took this little break as time to do things that I have been putting off because I was either too tired or didn’t want to go back out to my car to handle it. Now, I had no choice – I was stuck in my car needing to pass the time, so I finally handled my business.

I think I might invest in a scooter. 

Wednesday Rant: Settle or not to Settle?

I’m sitting here right now drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee NOT because I like the taste but I need the caffeine today.

Last night, my friend from prior posts (I should give her a clever pseudonym) called me in a fit. The guy hasn’t been changing quite like she thought he would so that they can be together. Granted, it hasn’t been a week yet but at the same time this guy KNEW what he was doing.

So she decided to walk away from the relationship last night, for how long; I’m not certain. After of course, writing a long closure email.

This is where my rant starts.

Possible Mutterings of a New Blog?

I missed my usual Wednesday rant, which with how I was feeling yesterday – it would have been a very long post.

My car decided to temporarily bite the dust (at least, I hope it’s temporary) now anyone who knows how Atlanta is knows that not having a car is quite detrimental because everything is so spread out. So of course I cried for a little bit, okay, a lot – I’ll be honest. I sat and stared at my computer screen, a friend called me to discuss something and I had to get off the phone because I just wasn’t feeling it.

I hate car troubles, I really do. Not to even mention that July has been such an financial drain to make matters worse, my shiny, silver bullet of a car had to bite it.

So what am I doing? Well, today…nothing. I asked my brother if we could carpool until my car is fixed, he seems okay with it. I told my casino folks that might be late (I’m never late) to parties because I don’t have my own ride and I have to find ways to get around in advance. I plan on jumping my car tomorrow or Sunday and then dropping it off at the mechanic to have it worked on. I hope it’s nothing expensive but right now, I really have no idea.

And oddly enough, I’m fine with that. I’ve done all I can afford to do, right now. I plan on getting my car worked on next week because I DO need to have it but right now, I can’t do anything so I will not stress myself further.

I also have a finance buddy who I’ll be held accountable too. Every thing I spend, I have to keep the receipt and we will discuss it every Friday until my habit gets more in control. I actually might start another blog dedicated to my finances but I’m worried that keeping up with two blogs and guest blogging on another site might throw me off.

Anyone else deal with two or more blogs? How is it working for you? Am I crazy to embark on this caper or should I try to import some spending widgets into this blog? As you can see, I haven’t thought about this all the way through so I’m just throwing it out there right now.

 

 

 

Weekly Rant in -- Thankfulness Out

It’s Wednesday.

So, it’s my weekly rant day. Actually, I’m writing this on Tuesday while watching the BET awards—it’s not that exciting—but I’m watching it nonetheless.

So, this week I have been struggling with setting this god awful boundary. I have been praying to God to give me some strength—not in the sense of my caving because I won’t; but giving me strength for me to stop analyzing the topic to death.

I really need to learn a thing from men; they seem to be able to let stuff go better than most women can. It’s funny but I don’t consider myself like most women but with this analyzing thing—boy, can I not shake this!

I’m not feeling guilty about having to set the boundary because I had to worry about myself and my needs. I was feeling guilty about it over the weekend but now, not so much. I’m not being mean or vindictive; it’s just the right now it’s not financially possible for me to do. The other side is that even if I could, I wouldn’t but I DON’T even feel bad about that because my financial strain definitely comes first.

I still analyze like a mofo, though.

It’s funny because if I went back on my initial ‘no’, the analyzing part of me wouldn’t cease. That part of me is reinforcing what is right this time that, I’m moving in the right direction; I just wish I could silence it for a little while.

[Oh, ya’ll…they are honoring Al Green on BET right now. I know I’m a young buck but my momma raised me up on some Al Green and they are playing her favorite song, right now! It’s called “For the Good Times”, it’s a wonderful song.]

I went off track big time with that one.

I think I need to learn to be okay with disappointing folks sometimes. You can’t please everyone and I’m not the “fixer” anymore. Like Jen stated, when she was discussing her labels—you have to let go of the past to move forward positively. I fixed people, places and things to feel loved, wanted and accepted. The reason why I’m not going back on my boundary is because I have to teach myself this lesson as much as the person that I set the boundary with.

The truth is; that it’s okay. It’s okay to say no; to realize my limit had been stretched a long time ago and that I won’t allow it to be stretched any further. I’m putting a big ole ‘X’ over my people pleaser label. I’m not here to do that. I’m here to be a good person, yes but to sacrifice myself before others that I can’t do anymore.

[I have to take what I said about the BET awards show back—the one, good thing about the BET awards was the Al Green tribute, if any of you love good, classic soul and enjoy Jill Scott, Anthony Hamilton and Maxwell—youtube the performance, it was phenomenal makes a girl wanna do some thangs!]

You know, hearing that tribute is what I needed to hear. Good music, bringing good thoughts to people it’s amazing how music changes your mood. I think my mom immersed me in it from the womb.

So yes, in disjointed closing; my rant didn’t end being much of one. The fixer label is no longer being applied to yours truly and the wonderfulness of Al Green stepped in and lifted my mood.

I guess he’s right, let’s just stay together and all you need is a little love and happiness.

Do you have a type of artist that snaps you out of a funk? A roommate in college loved Stevie Wonder like that, I think mine may just be Al Green. What is yours?

 

Allergies, Ugh!

I’m still battling my allergies something serious! I wish I knew a place that wouldn’t set them off so bad—I’m almost tempted to start looking into getting allergy shots. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, so I might ask him about it.

Yesterday, a comment from Ashe.Selah—if you haven’t looked at her blog, I suggest you check it out—caused me to stop in my tracks.

My allergies, my anxiety, my lack of sleep due to my aforementioned allergies not to mention all this self improvement skills I’m trying to implement has left yours truly TIRED beyond compared.

I need to focus on just being. I have been in a constant of movement for weeks now and my body is finally telling me I need to rest. Granted, I’m booked solid until Friday but I plan to take a day off and be kind to myself AND go to the doctor.

Even though, I’m looking forward to the day off; I have to admit that I don’t fair well with the concept of “down time”. Typically, I work myself to the bone until I can no longer think which leads me to lying in bed in the fetal position because I’m just burnt out. 

Which, I believe is what I’m battling with now. I think my body is just tired and my chronic allergy problem I think just emphasizes that fact.

So off to find some Benadryl, which hopefully will help me today.

How is everyone’s Wednesday, today? Also, I am trying to use this plug-in called Skribit. I’m trying to figure out which direction I want to take my blog, so if anyone has any ideas, feedback or a topic you want me to discuss, please add it to that! I would truly appreciate it.

I hope everyone is having an allergy free day!