Love. Self. Entirely.

Deal Breakin'

My last post touched on settling and how I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen to me. At the same time, I don’t want to be overly picky. My aunt used the term ‘selective’, you should have some morals; Jen from SemiCharmed Wife stated that you should have “dealbreakers” when it comes to relationships (in particularly, romantic).

It then popped into my head, where are my deal breakers not just in regards to romance but in my life in general. I have spent countless years putting on my best face and doing what was expected of me. Now that I’m taking an active initiative to understand the person I am now, I’ve decided to discuss some of my KEY life dealbreakers (these cover all aspects of my life). If 

1. Honesty - There was a point in my life where I wasn't a trustworthy person. It stemmed from not wanting to be truly myself and broadcasting the image of myself that I felt others wanted. I don't like to admit but I was dishonest; I lied to myself and others because I didn't want them to see the person that I was; I didn't feel the real me was worthy. So I was often dishonest but I believe in karma, so the dishonesty I was putting out there I definitely got back. Thankfully, I came around --and losing mom-- certified that I couldn't let others be free to be who they are and not allow myself the same courtesy. If I can accept people completely; I should receive the same as well. 

Which leads into number 2...

2. Acceptance - I never felt like I really belonged, even in my own family. It has taken a long time to get to where I am (and I still have more to go). I always encourage others to keep it "real" with me, I don't want to know the "representative" of a person; I want it all out there because I'll give you the same. I know how it feels to be constantly judged so I always try my best to be as open as possible. 

3. Respect - Chances are that if you are in my life than I respect you. For years, I have allowed people to infiltrate my inner cypher whom I respected but didn't do the same. Friends, family and relationships; I sought to find myself through others and often I ended being the faithful doormat. 

These I believe are my main three that stem across all the types of relationships in my life. I'm sure I'll add more to the romantic relationships, family relationships, work, etc., but at the core this is what I expect from the people who I interact with because that's what I'm giving back to you. 

Anyone else struggling with their overall dealbreakers in their life? Anyone struggling with implementing them? I admit, in some situations it's harder for me to stick to my guns more than others but I'm forcing myself even when I don't want too. 

Stepping Off The Calm Train For a Moment

I have to be honest. I need to rant, whine and complain. I know it’s due to the fact that I’m doing really good for myself. This topic has to do with being nice. I’m tired of being too nice. I love to help people, I don’t want to see anyone that I care for or love hurting but others sometimes use that positive trait against me. And I let them, repeatedly. I won’t establish a boundary even when I know I should because I’m afraid of people leaving me because I won’t let them get their way. I don’t let people close to me easily and I trust just as cautiously so when I do, I tend to put up with a lot of shit because I feel that I’m the strong one and that I could handle it. I had someone that I care about bail on me Sunday night. I understand that people have things that come up but the way he went about it made me feel so small, so tiny it felt like I didn’t matter at all. I asked what the plans we’re going to be as he rattled off everything under the sun but I heard nothing about us spending time together. After, I let him know on Wednesday and I called to verify on Saturday. I felt hurt and angry. That I was easily dismissable and only a convenience when there was nothing else better to do. I could feel my blood run cold and I felt my heart harden and all I wanted to do was lash out but I didn’t. I sat there and let it happen, I allowed it too and I didn’t defend myself, really. Partially because I knew if I did, I would have started yelling (which maybe he’d deserved) and he’d go on the defense. I have established boundaries with a lot of people lately. With him, it evades me and I’m starting to not like myself in this situation at all. So, I’m going to establish a boundary. This situation has happened before and I sat by and let MYSELF be inconvenienced because I want to be the “nice” one. I’m tired. I have to learn to protect me and my interests from others and not expect them to handle me with kid gloves because that’s how I treat them. So what do I plan to do? I plan to write it all out and speak my piece. After that, I’ll be more conscious about putting myself first in my own life. I will state that I’m doing positive things in my life and I want positive people around me to support me and who I can provide support too as well. If he can give me that, we can cohabitat still if I’m not worth that effort then that proves that he doesn’t care. Which if that is the case, I don’t want anyone like that in my life. I am moving forward and anyone holding me back like that is dead weight, no matter how much I love and care for them. This goes for friends, significant others and family. I know I'll be stronger in the long run because I do have to learn to be more assertive for myself and not expect others to have my best interests at heart all the time.