Some break up anxiety today, folks. I know, thoughts like that will happen and no, I'm not saying I miss the relationship! It's been a week since we decided not to be in each other lives in any capacity. I just hope I'll remain this calm throughout the process.
Outside of that, well...I've been throwing this idea in my mind around. I want to either write a book OR perhaps do a documentary about the OREO phenomenon. Something along the lines of black people who have taken the unconventional path in life or who aren't like the mainstream (however you classify 'mainstream', I guess). I hope I make sense.
As I sit staring over at the window as the tornado kissed
rain falls outside, my mind starts to wander – trust, it doesn’t take much
these days.
Yesterday, I talked to my boss about his life. How I, at
times, was envious because it seemed that he found what he wanted to do so
easily, while I sit here and flounder back and forth. He told me that I was
giving him too much credit, some people have a gift that they can’t deny it’s
blatantly obvious; for others it’s not so clear cut. In his mind, it’s all about
the “putty” that all humans possess, what we do to it, what pieces we keep and
throw away and how we transform and sculpt it to fit our needs. How we are in
more control than we realize, we have the choice to define our putty or we can
let the putty define it for us. It boils down to the drive, goals and
ambitions. Knowing what you want (not necessarily in specifics) and working
towards that and shaping yourself-- and your putty—along in the process.
(Well, at least it wasn’t a scientific analogy.)
So, I guess it’s time for me to be honest. I’m terrified of
my putty. Lately, I have taken great strides to keep myself focused. I went for
the pole dancing instructor position, I am trying out for the Atlanta Roller
Derby, I’m applying for a few US based graduate programs, I need to sign up and
study for the GRE but lately and I blog for two (soon to be, three sites). Yet, this fear of aloneness and anxiety has been
plaguing me. Right now, it’s like I’m a deer in headlights and I have a million
and one thoughts running through my head.
Maybe, going against my personal grain so much has started
to unnerve me. Even though, I know right now this is what I need to do; to find
me, to find my peace and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is something
that I need to solely do alone.
I just wonder if I’m good enough. I can see how not having
people support you growing up can damage your psyche but I won’t let myself
play the victim.
Oh, and if anyone has any advice to soothe this weary soul
(and I’m sure help others in the process), please share.
I had an early morning training session at the gym today. It
was at 5:30 to be exact and yes, I’ve haven’t had coffee at all. So, let’s see
how well my energy lasts.
Well, today after my session, my boss and I ended up talking
about fitness and weight loss goals. I basically gave her the rundown of my
life’s health history as she stood letting her jaw slowly hit the floor (not
really).
“You? You were that big?”
Every time someone says that to me, I always get taken
aback. Why not me? Don’t you see how my body is shaped, to me; the reality that
I was 270+ pounds once in my life is not that far fetched.
Primarily, because I still don’t think I’m that small. I
swear, I think I suffer from acute body dysmorphia or maybe I just don’t think
about it. I know that I’m not big; I see myself as somewhat average so – in my
mind – it’s not like I’ve gone from a size 25/26 to a size 2, so it’s not that
drastic.
I guess the downplaying of my weight loss got to her because
she was like, “Do you know how good that is? You should write a testimonial and
you lost it all naturally! You are an inspiration.” (I should tell you that my
trainer has a thick Czech accent, so I know she said more but this is all I
could glean from the conversation – hey, it was early! My synapses weren’t
firing yet.)
We continued discussing various things about weight loss,
the sagging skin, new eating habits and for the first time, I talked to someone
who HAD no clue about disordered eating the lowdown on what causes someone to
act on it.
Outside of my blog, I don’t really discuss my disordered
eating with anyone except for those who also disorderly eat; I guess it’s like
war veterans comparing stories everything is vaguely similar but different at
the same time; so for me to talk about it with her was something I wouldn't have done a year or so ago.
I believe she understood as well as she could but I think it
helped me see how I handle my self-destructive tendencies in regards to food.
Our talk helped me realize that I have conquered a good
chunk of my issues but I realize that my body image –even though it’s not
shoddy – is non-existent but I do feel good about myself, so I guess it’s a
weird juxtaposition.
I guess, what I’m trying to figure out is my having no sense
of body image coupled with the fact that I’m lackadaisical about my size
healthy? Anyone with insight, feel free to chime on in because I honestly don’t
know. Perhaps, it’s not that big of a deal.
I see some changes; like I love shorts now (I have some on
today) but does that mean I’m comfortable with my body or is it more that I
found a hot, pair of shorts that I had to have?
Ironically enough, while writing this, I saw Jen’s post that spring boarded off Suzanne’s
post about baring it swimsuit style; so I’ve decided to take the plunge as
well. I was thinking of posting one anyway because it’s on my 101 List of
Things to do but I guess this really gives me the impetus to do it. Bikini
aside, I think my trainer session today not only strengthened my body but gave
my mind something to think about.
On other news: It’s 5 days until the most glorious day of
the universe. It’s been raining here basically everyday for most of the week
and looks like it will continue to do so…clearing up on – you guessed it –
Tuesday!!! Even Mother Nature knows what’s up. Anyone doing anything fun this
weekend, preparing for the national holiday on Tuesday, I’m sure. J
Well, it’s the official countdown…7 days until my 26th
birthday!
Now, I am honest, I’m a huge brat on my birthday NOT in the
mean, malicious way but I do broadcast the fact that it is “the greatest day of
the world” all day and I let everyone know it. I’m sorry but if you can’t go somewhat ego crazy on your birthday
when can you? I remember two years ago, my dad had to turn off his cell phone
in meeting because I texted him every hour because I was that hyped about my
birthday!
I think this year; I might even wear a tiara. Oh yea, I'm that serious!
It’s funny but I’m crazy excited about turning 26 but I
didn’t really care much about turning 25. Everyone would tell me that 25 is the
epitome of the twenties, it’s a marker in your life but I didn’t feel it.
Everything felt blasé, I didn’t feel special or loved that much and it was just
any, regular day to me – I just was one year older. It wasn't the huge 25 that everyone broadcasts about; at the time I couldn't fake how I was feeling.
Granted, I was happy to be another year older. It just
didn’t matter that I was turning 25. I ended up going to some underground club
with this girl I just met and danced the night away. No cake, no singing, no
close friends; I tried my best to hibernate most of the day and it wasn't about being depressed. In fact, I wasn't depressed -- to me, it was just 25 and it was "okay".
This year, that is not happening. No, it’s not about going
out and partying but more about where I am right now in my life. That, I’m
becoming more pro-active and content with where I am right now while realizing
that this is not where I’m going to be forever. I am making strides on how to further my education, I have a new project that I’m laying the groundwork
for.I’m starting to enjoy what my
body looks like, I have found two physical activities that I love doing (guess
what two?). I have learned to make boundaries and surround myself with
supportive people. I am learning to let go of the labels of my past and I look
forward to making new ones for myself, gradually.
The beginning of this year was hellish and both my mind and
heart took a beating but I am feeling that I’m coming into my own. 26 will be
an incredible year for me, I feel it.Just because, honestly and truly I have begun to fall in love with
myself – for the first time and I’m just so happy with that fact. All I can scream is, "It's about DAMN time, Cynthia!"
To me, feeling like this is exactly the type of temperament
I need to usher in this upcoming year. Will everything be rosy all the time? Of
course not, I will be realistic but I don’t feel as lost or hopeless as I did
in years prior.
I’m not sure if this symbolizes comes into my own and
putting my needs first for once but I do know that I can’t wait to shake up the
normal routine of my life. I wasn’t planning on it to coincide with my birthday
but I feel confident that I’m leaving my 25th year in a better
place, which is more than I could ever ask for.
Anyone else, get all hyped for birthdays like I do? Any particular birthday that stands out -- even if it's not a milestone one (i.e. 18, 21, 25, 30, etc.)?
How was everyone's Fourth of July? Mine, despite the heat was pretty okay. I started off my vacation talking with Jen, who sparked some really interesting ideas for a project of mine. I worked out, I slept in, I pole danced, worked a carnival event for extra cash AND I bought shorts!
I know to some that may not be exciting but I haven't gone near the shorts section of a store since middle school, if then. I'm not sure what brought me into Charlotte Russe that day or what made me try on shorts but I ended up leaving with the cutest plaid shorts I've seen in a long time!
I'm not talking about the shorts that fall at the knee like pedal pushers; I'm talking about hip hugging, thigh baring shorts! I wore them the next day to Pink Saturday at My Sisters Room (Pink Saturday is the Saturday before the Pride parade), I ended up having a blast and not once did I obsess about my legs.
I think the part of me that ran away from exposing my thighs finally surrendered. I'm tired of waiting until the "perfect" moment, I found something that fit my body well and I felt good in them...NOW, screw waiting until I'm --in my mind-- the perfect size.
Even though, wearing shorts wasn't on my list of 101 things to do; it wasn't something I saw myself doing for a long time, so for me this is a huge milestone.
I'm planning on buying more the next time I go to the mall!
I wonder what doesn’t trigger me lately. Honestly, I am
surprised that I haven’t been triggered more with all that has been going on
for the past two weeks.
Being that two of the blogs that I regularly read were
discussing their triggers in regards to their body issues, I figured I’d jump
on the bandwagon and do the same.
I haven’t been heavily involved in my disordered eating as
of late but I have noticed that I’ve been walking slowly up that path again.
The scale triggers me big time. So, I’ve taken to only
weighing myself once a week. I’ve had periods where I would weigh myself every
day and when the scale fluctuates a little bit, I won’t eat for a day. I
haven’t done that since earlier this year, though.
Recently, I got on the scale and didn’t like the number that
stared back at me. I know some of it has to do with my gaining muscle and all
that, so I don’t feel as bad but I’d like to see that number lower. So
instinctively, my first instinct was to starve myself for the day (my second alternative
is to eat nothing but granola bars—something like that).
I’m being honest, the urge is there and I really want to do
it.
Another obstacle is that my trainer has been after me for
weeks to write down my food schedule so she could see it. Have I done it? Nope.
Again, I know I SHOULD do it but I don’t.
I realize that I have this fear of someone dissecting my
eating. I go into overdrive, maybe I’m eating the wrong type of thing, my
portions are out of control, and will she notice my patterned eating with food?
Even if I’m not engaging in destructive eating behavior at the time, my anxiety
still runs at full pace.
I know this, I’ll admit to my procrastination and denial of
a part of my triggered eating patterns and today, I’m forcing myself to document
my eating and send it to my trainer.
I don’t want to do it but I need to do it; that’s the
difference. When it comes to my urge to starve myself to budge the scale, I
remind myself that unless I’m fasting (which I’ll only do for a day at time),
there will be no denial of food. I deserve to eat, starving myself won’t
control my eating, it’ll just cause me to binge eventually, which wouldn’t be
conducive to anything I’m trying to do with my life.
This weekend, I’m stocking up on fruits and vegetables for
the week and I’ll be going to my therapist for sure.
**I apologize if my description was too detailed, I tried
not to get into anything graphic.**
My procrastinating has been getting the best of me. It’s really bad and I know it but it seems I can’t get myself motivated to do anything about it. Well, not at full force, anyway.
I’ve wanted to write down my list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days list. Do I know what I want to put on the list? Yes, I have several things but have I bothered to write it down? No.
If I write it down, it’s out of my head and somehow it becomes more concrete. Then I have to hold myself to it, which causes all this built up pressure in my head.
The same thing is happening with this article that I want to write for another blog. Getting an article published here would greatly help the traffic to my site and the article would be on an issue I know a lot about. Yet, if I write this article and get more traffic that means I’ll have to produce more content, right?
What if my content won’t ever be good enough?
I know; I’m getting in my own way. It’s not a pity party in the least. In all actuality, when I first started blogging about my journey, I was fine. Now, I’ve fallen more in love with the blogosphere and my writing and how free I’ve become in other aspects of my life but for the past week, my self-doubt has been off the chain!
For me, self-doubt creeps up when I’m moving forward positively in my life. I have been making great progress with my workout, therapy, my appearance and this week; I have just been in the doldrums.
Currently, my room is a mess. I’ve heard that your living space is a reflection of what’s going on in your mind and if that’s the case. Well, I’ve been living in a tornado for the past week. I will be tackling that, I believe when my space is back in order, my mind will be less cluttered.
I’ve been reading Tina Su’s blog, Think Simple Now and she touched on how we as humans get so bogged down with the idea of having things that it overwhelms us. I plan to implement some of her strategies and throw some of my own into the mix this weekend; I’ll have to remember to document my progress.
For most of the week I’ve stayed in workout clothes and flip-flops; thankfully the dress code at the office is quite flexible!
Today, I did force myself to put on heels to snap myself out of this funk. It’s worked out thus far, not to mention it’s Friday and a payday!
I do plan to do a videoblog sometime this weekend on this topic; I’ll go further into my issues with procrastination then.
When you are feeling less than stellar, what do you do? What are your mantras? I plan on coming up with one when the procrastination bug gets to me, I’d love to hear yours and anything else you’d like to share!
I have been in this mental state of ‘blah’ for the past couple of days. Not in the sense of being down or depressed because I’ve been relatively happy. Last night, I went to a Radiohead concert, it was quite good, they were very mellow. If it wasn’t for the off and on rain that kept creeping in, I’m sure I would have fallen asleep.
Which would have been a blessing since I haven’t gotten that much sleep this week. Instead, I ended up standing for most of the night listening to the wailing vocals and sporadic dancing of one, Thom Yorke as various thoughts started ruminating in my mind.
Maybe I was having a vulnerable moment (which, I guess at a Radiohead concert may be quite common).
I began thinking of my blogging and what it has done for me even though it’s a somewhat new endeavor. How I actually have people who read what I say and can empathize even though we haven’t (and probably, never will) meet each other.
It’s truly powerful and scary. To be open exposing all of my issues to complete strangers; being accountable for my actions both good and bad; it’s disarming and humbling at the same time. Listening to Thom, belt out his heart and soul during Talk Show Host; singing in his falsetto,
“I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode. Floating upon the surface for the birds, the birds, the birds…”
(This is probably my favorite Radiohead song, so to hear them play it live I was beyond ecstatic!)
I was completely on edge; my entire body was transfixed on it all, the words and the longing in his voice. I’m not exactly certain what this song is about but I interpret it as someone who wants to change but they keep sidetracking themselves –I could be totally off, though but that’s what I get from it. Also, I enjoy anything with bad, arse guitar riffs. That boy can play!
As the music swirled up around me, my mind began to focus momentarily. Realizing that I’m standing at the crux of something important in my life but what THAT is, I’m still uncertain but I know it’ll reveal itself. Which puts me in conflict, my self destructive side has been triggered and it wants to come out to play because I’m doing something good for myself because I’m not making excuses anymore and I’m slowly started to be at peace. The impatient side of me wants to know it now because I need to feel validated that I’m doing the right thing.
I tend to beat up on myself a lot because I’m 25, shouldn’t I have found my calling by now?! Shouldn’t it be more apparent than what it is, currently? Shouldn't one clear path make sense NOT 4 or 5? Am I the only one like this?
Of course, I should clarify. It’s not tied to being married or not having kids because I know that will not make me feel complete.
Trying to assemble all these scattered characteristic traits that make up me and make sense out of all of it. I’m realizing it will come with time and during the course of it, I’ll be changing a lot. Yet, part of me wonders if having a mentor would be beneficial to my development or would I appreciate it more if I went on this road by myself.
One thing I do realize is that even the people that I respect and admire still have their battles to fight, so at least, I know that I’m not alone.
Lesson:When you are making positive changes in your life and self-doubt keeps plaguing you. Keep moving forward, you are doing the right thing. If you need to mellow out, listen to Radiohead.
How do you silence the self-doubting in your mind? If you do?
Oh, this is a question that I’ll probably further expand on in another post. Does anyone have a mentor that you rely on for support and direction?
Do you believe having a mentor would aid in benefiting your life any?
If you have one, is it someone that you previously knew and they just assumed the role? Or is it someone that you sought out?
I’m debating on whether I should seek one out or just let one formulate into my life when I’m ready.
**For your viewing pleasure (it does get loud towards the end), here is the Radiohead song I was referring too. I hope it’s enjoyed by some!**
So on Sunday during my weekly pole class, I did something that I’ve never been able to do before in my life! I’m really excited about this and I’ve been gloating about it ever since! I went into a traditional handstand and I caught myself on the pole and came up in a lay back.
Ok, I know that makes little sense to everyone who is not familiar with pole speak but trust me when I say this, it was marvelous! It’s a true testament to how strong I’ve become and how comfortable I am starting to get in this newly, unrecognizable skin that I’m acquiring.
I wish I videotaped myself when I first started getting back into dance. I dabbled in all types (and I still do from time to time) but the first time I did the fireman spin, I knew that pole dancing was IT. Back then, just being able to walk around sexily in heels was a huge accomplishment! It took me some time to enjoy caressing myself (even in the dark!) but I’m happy to report that I no longer have that issue. I apologize to the ones who feel that is TMI.
Still, even with coming as far as I have to land that handstand on Sunday almost moved me to tears. I remember wanting to be able to do one with my childhood friends who always seemed to be able to flip so effortlessly as I cheered from the sidelines. The cheerful, plump friend who was always the loyal supporter but never the star of the show, I played that role to a “T”.
In a weird way, landing that handstand and being able to pull myself back up again erased all those negative feelings that I seemed to burden myself with. As my pole sisters clapped and hollered as I slid myself back down onto the floor, I felt strong and sexy. I also beamed like I was 5 years old because even up to the moment; I doubted my chance of landing that handstandf.
“What if I can’t support my weight? I never tried to do a handstand before and I’m not a small girl, what if I fall in front of the class? Don’t embarrass yourself Cynthia; you aren’t a gymnast by any means.”
I started to step away from the pole when one of my classmates came up to me and said, “Go for it. Go try it up against the wall first.”
I went up to the wall. I nailed it. She motioned toward the pole and before I knew it, I looked around and I was propped up against the pole upside down looking at everyones toes!
I DID IT!
I actually ended up doing it 2 or 3 times in class that day but each time, I felt that feeling of arriving at a new destination in this crazy journey of mine. For I swear, never in a 1000 years would I ever think I’d be strong enough too do such a thing.
I realized then that the girl who used to stand on the sidelines alone existed no longer, she only lived on in my conscious because I allowed her. It doesn't have to be; I do have a choice in the matter. Standing invisible doesn’t have to be my only viable option in my life and I have to stop moving through it like it is so.
When I get a new memory card on camera, I plan to videotape it. When I do, I'll post it on here!
