So, I have been trying to step my foot into the puddle of Atlanta dating life and see what all is out there and I haven't been that impressed. Now, I am at the point of not wanting to be tied down to anyone here, mainly, because I'm hell bent on leaving this place come next year. I don't want to add any more stress or complication to that area because I already know moving is going to be stressful being torn about leaving or wanting someone to uproot their life is not on my list of things to do.
For the past couple of months, I have been knee deep in an assortment of things. Trying to sell my house, working out, doing school work, getting stuff together to apply to programs and just trying to enjoy my life.
Lately, I have been scrounging the internets finding various blogs on expatriate life and reading about various places. Places that I plan to see next year, which makes me quite happy. The fear that has so often blocked me is still present but I'm no longer letting myself listen to it. I'm just going to go for it and come what may but either way, I plan to enjoy and live this life.
Tulips were her favorite flower. Same as me, actually. I remember us both being excited to see them growing in Amsterdam when we visited there when we lived in Germany. I even remember us standing on top of windmills, looking out over the ponds feeling like we were about to blow over because of how strong the wind was. I felt so free then and I'm sure she did too - in her own way.
My mother died this day a few years ago and you would think it wouldn't be so difficult or hard but it is. I miss her a lot these days especially since I find it so hard to focus on myself for lengthy periods of time but I know (and she knows) that focusing on me is what I need to do right now.
This post is for my mother. She raised me the best way she knew how and I hope to expand on what I learned from her (the good and bad) and apply it to my own children. I want to learn to put myself before others healthily and I want to blossom into my full potential in this life. Thank You, Deborah Kaye for being there for me like no one else ever has and I'm honored to have been your daughter.
While in Rio (I sound like I'm a jet setter) I stayed in a hostel called the Mango Tree - it was quite nice (in terms of a hostel). Yet, being that I was on my monthly "friend" at first I didn't want to go out of my way to be social. Besides, it seemed like most of the habitants wanted to stay inside or go to the bar (which I like too) but…HELLO, I'm in RIO- no indoors allowed, por favor! So out, I went...and out I stayed for as long as I could.
Being a lone female traveler I was quite wary about what would greet me in Rio. The murders, the crooked cops, prostitution, mugging – oh my! What would I do?
Well, act like you have some sense first of all. One thing in my favor that with my little hoodie pulled over my head I often looked like a local much to my amazement and probably to the other persons befuddledness as I often stared back wide eyed or spoke in jarred Portuguese that I'm sure was detrimental to their ears. I did get a lot of friendly smiles and help – mostly from the men and one lovely female bus attendant who made sure I got off at the right stop for Corcavado. I didn't even ask her directly; she must have heard my question of "Corcavado?" to the bus driver, which set off "GRINGA" in her head.
Still, I tried my best not to fall on what's familiar and try to make people speak English.Call it the naïve "When in Rome…" mindset but even though my grasp of the language in itself is horrendousI will stutter my way through a conversation evenif I have NO idea what I'm saying – which was most of the time.
I do understand the love affair that many have with Rio, though. It's quite an interesting juxtaposition; imagine the hustle and bustle of NY or DC traffic with the laid back vibe of Hawaii that would explain Rio's greatness.
I honestly wouldn't mind living there for a year maybe not forever but a year wouldn't be too bad. I think was a beach comber in a past life because for someone who can't swim at all; I love to be near water as much as possible.
The water was blue, the sand was white and I was there walking along the cobble stoned pathway being stopped ever so often by a local artisan or sand sculptor showing off their new artistic endeavor.
I didn't understand it all but I didn't care. Some things are better left unexplained and as I wandered the streets of Rio that's how I liked to keep some of those things.
After all, not everything needs a direct translation.
(This picture was taken on top of Corcavado - where Christ the Redeemer stands and looks over Rio de Janeiro, it's one of the things I've always wanted to see - it was truly breathtaking.)
Who has been watching the Olympics? I’m obsessed, I can’t
lie; I feel hopeful watching the games because it’s the only time when things
seem kosher amongst all the nations.
While the cameras are on, anyway.
Yet, at least all the competitors are contributing to
something, they are a figure for their country and their demeanor, the
sportsman like conduct are beacons that highlight what is proverbially good
about their country. I find it awing to not only be a spokesperson for your
country but also be as equally proud that you are in that position.
I'm not a huge gospel fan, I do have my favorites and a beautiful voice will do wonders but this song has me in tears every time I hear it. If I could write a song about my journey thus far; this would be it. It just makes you want to stand up and scream, "YES, I get it!".
I remember when I first heard it at the BET awards show this year, my hair stood on end (what I have, left) and it didn't make much sense at that time but something resonated with me but all I could do then is cry.
Much like I am now but it's not tears of sadness but of joy. I think if I had the range to be able to sing a smidge, I'd belt this one.
If you have the chance to listen too it, please do. I have to give a shout out to the Marvalous View because she told me the name of the song.
I am SO thankful to still be here but at a stronger place. A place I haven't felt for going on 3 years, now. So I get to exclaim it -- yes, y'all I'm sappy today-- but, "I've MADE it!"
And like the song says, "I'm stronger, I'm wiser...I never could have made it without you."
The "YOU" symbolizes a lot of things, God, myself, everything positive that nurtures my life and gives me the drive to help others.
Ah! I'll let my tear filled diatribe go and bounce off to deal with my festivities!
Being that tomorrow is my birthday, I’m in such a wild,
giddy state that it’s hard for me to focus long enough to post (yes, I’m that
serious). So, let's see where this post goes -- I'm typing unscripted here!
Not to mention, I’m excited about escaping Atlanta for a
little bit, so I’m just counting down the days!
I’m not sure if I have verbally posted this before but I’m
currently looking to change up my blog not necessarily design wise (because I’m
working on that – I have a feeling I might have to switch to Wordpress, so I’ll
have more freedom) but content wise.
I realize I’m getting all up in my head, so I won’t get to
deep in the topic. I just have to figure it all out.
I think not having a message bothers me but maybe not having
a “message” is suiting me just perfectly…right now. Hell, if I truly know – I
do feel the dim pangs of frustration lurking, though.
Outside of that, I’m doing well. I started this aggressive
pole dancing class, which I love. I am hurting, I challenged the strength of my
body and I can’t wait to do some suicidal moves! An acquaintance of mine is
also throwing a pole party and she wants me and another classmate to be the
opening number. It’s funny, I have no problem performing, talking in front of
strangers but once I know you, I become a deer in headlights. I really need to
work on that.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan on getting my naval pierced
AND purchasing my quads (aka, roller skates), so I can practice more. I went to
a roller derby game on Saturday and I met Scarbie Doll – she’s awesome and
seeing the game in action reinforced why I want to do derby. It combines a lot
of what makes me who I am; you can be smart, sassy, sexy and strong – a quadruple
threat, and that may not be where I am all the time currently but it will be
one day soon.
Maybe today will be my introspective day. It’s dawning on me
that I’ll be one year older, happy yes but now I’m ready to take myself to the
next level. This will be my last blog post from my 25th year, so
I’ll do my best to end this posting with some style.
I started my 25th year feeling low, unloved,
heavier than I was used to being, unsure of who my real friends were, who I was
and what I wanted to do with my life. Acting on self-destructive tendencies,
clinging to unhealthy ways of living and letting anger, hurt and frustration
run my life. I did have some good times but looking back, I realized that I let
A LOT of my issues control me and not the other way around. So, I’m leaving
that in the past, I won’t dog myself; I will let this shit go and keep it
moving.
I’m ending my 25th year with a job that I love
with a boss who is OFF HIS CHAIN but amazing, with my drive back, of wanting to
help others besides myself, with wanting to go back to school (reminder to
self: need to call London!), of wanting to end the curses of financial debt.
With the desire to be healthy, emotionally and physically of speaking my mind
even if I’m the only one strong enough too, of channeling my aggression into
healthy activities (hello, kickboxing & roller derby), of learning to feel
sexy with my body the way it is NOW, not where it will be eventually be
(maybe). Appreciating my time, my true friends, family, my blogger buddies and
myself. J
My friend Margs bought me an affirmation deck for my
birthday (she also cooked me breakfast—she’s fantabulous!). I pulled one today
and I feel this one sets the tone for the end of this year and the start of the
new one.
“I KNOW that old, negative patterns no longer limit me. I
let them go with ease.”
I love this affirmation deck already! How was everyone's weekend?
I have been in this mental state of ‘blah’ for the past couple of days. Not in the sense of being down or depressed because I’ve been relatively happy. Last night, I went to a Radiohead concert, it was quite good, they were very mellow. If it wasn’t for the off and on rain that kept creeping in, I’m sure I would have fallen asleep.
Which would have been a blessing since I haven’t gotten that much sleep this week. Instead, I ended up standing for most of the night listening to the wailing vocals and sporadic dancing of one, Thom Yorke as various thoughts started ruminating in my mind.
Maybe I was having a vulnerable moment (which, I guess at a Radiohead concert may be quite common).
I began thinking of my blogging and what it has done for me even though it’s a somewhat new endeavor. How I actually have people who read what I say and can empathize even though we haven’t (and probably, never will) meet each other.
It’s truly powerful and scary. To be open exposing all of my issues to complete strangers; being accountable for my actions both good and bad; it’s disarming and humbling at the same time. Listening to Thom, belt out his heart and soul during Talk Show Host; singing in his falsetto,
“I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode. Floating upon the surface for the birds, the birds, the birds…”
(This is probably my favorite Radiohead song, so to hear them play it live I was beyond ecstatic!)
I was completely on edge; my entire body was transfixed on it all, the words and the longing in his voice. I’m not exactly certain what this song is about but I interpret it as someone who wants to change but they keep sidetracking themselves –I could be totally off, though but that’s what I get from it. Also, I enjoy anything with bad, arse guitar riffs. That boy can play!
As the music swirled up around me, my mind began to focus momentarily. Realizing that I’m standing at the crux of something important in my life but what THAT is, I’m still uncertain but I know it’ll reveal itself. Which puts me in conflict, my self destructive side has been triggered and it wants to come out to play because I’m doing something good for myself because I’m not making excuses anymore and I’m slowly started to be at peace. The impatient side of me wants to know it now because I need to feel validated that I’m doing the right thing.
I tend to beat up on myself a lot because I’m 25, shouldn’t I have found my calling by now?! Shouldn’t it be more apparent than what it is, currently? Shouldn't one clear path make sense NOT 4 or 5? Am I the only one like this?
Of course, I should clarify. It’s not tied to being married or not having kids because I know that will not make me feel complete.
Trying to assemble all these scattered characteristic traits that make up me and make sense out of all of it. I’m realizing it will come with time and during the course of it, I’ll be changing a lot. Yet, part of me wonders if having a mentor would be beneficial to my development or would I appreciate it more if I went on this road by myself.
One thing I do realize is that even the people that I respect and admire still have their battles to fight, so at least, I know that I’m not alone.
Lesson:When you are making positive changes in your life and self-doubt keeps plaguing you. Keep moving forward, you are doing the right thing. If you need to mellow out, listen to Radiohead.
How do you silence the self-doubting in your mind? If you do?
Oh, this is a question that I’ll probably further expand on in another post. Does anyone have a mentor that you rely on for support and direction?
Do you believe having a mentor would aid in benefiting your life any?
If you have one, is it someone that you previously knew and they just assumed the role? Or is it someone that you sought out?
I’m debating on whether I should seek one out or just let one formulate into my life when I’m ready.
**For your viewing pleasure (it does get loud towards the end), here is the Radiohead song I was referring too. I hope it’s enjoyed by some!**
One of my longest setbacks had to do with my starting to write again. After my mother passed away, all creative sources in me welled up and died along with her. I did the same routine day in and day out (hating it all the while), but that’s all I could do because I felt so lost. In time, I became used to this, hating my life but to comfortable in it to stop it. I figured I would wake up one day and my life would be in alignment and things would be okay all I had to do was sit there and wait.
So, I did. I gained weight, became more angry and miserable in my day to day living. I decided that I need to take my life back but how? How do I reclaim something that has evaded me for so long, what if I couldn't, what if I was too old (I'm 25)?
Yea, right. Excuses, excuses...I really should make that my middle name.
That's when I decided to take my life back and soon, I could feel my creativity energy soaring back. I could write again not at the valor that I used too but I’m working on it. Dancing felt seamless, my body connecting more to the movement and the music and less self conscious, everything seemed new and fresh again. I realized then how not having creativity in my life changed me, I was stunting my growth and slowly draining all the color from my life. When I forgave myself and allowed myself to be happy, I felt free and open to all my blocks and they finally began to crumble and I could breathe again.
Which is when I entered my catch 22.
With the walls coming down, though came all the pent up emotions surrounding my mother’s death. Stuff that I didn’t even know existed; my mind was cluttered with thoughts of her, of guilt and anger. I felt them so strongly and at first it was disarming because I thought I handled so much of this.
Yesterday, I was triggered at work. My bosses' wife is battling cancer and she is being taken off a brand of chemotherapy because she isn't responding the way they all hoped. She is also a second mother to me. So, she came downstairs to work on something and I asked her how she was doing and she turned to me and started to cry. "I'm just sick of tired of being sick and tired," she said.
She reminded me so much of my mother then. I could feel it all rushing back, that helpless feeling. Of wanting to help but knowing that I can't, not the way that I want too. So I end up crying because all these feelings well up inside me and I can't bottle them up, anymore.
Yet, initially, I wanted to stuff all those feelings back down and go back to what was comfortable and familiar but I knew better. Hiding from it won't help matters any.
I have to handle this now or else I’ll keep drowning from the inside out. I have to learn to sit in my pain long enough to handle it and not be ashamed of my vulnerability. That being vulnerable isn't a sign of weakness but the opposite. That, just being is really okay, being present in this feeling and not feeling that I have to hide it anymore.
That I can find comfort in being still.
In being myself, finally.
And that I feel strong enough to share it all with you.
Today, I realized that you have to always move forward, always keep fighting for what you love because you only live once this lifetime. This journal will be the entrance into my inner most thoughts. My dreams, passions and desires will be spilled out for all to see in the hopes that someone out there, someone who is like me, will take that first step. The first one is always the scariest, standing on that ledge leaving behind what you know and moving forward towards something unfamiliar but it's soothing at the same time. If by reading this, you emerge with the courage to take that step that will be all that I need. Along, the way, you'll encounter some swearing, frustration, temporary setbacks but I want people to see my journey because I believe people want to sugar coat things and not OWN their issues and baggage. I am 25 years old; I believe it's time to be fully aware of all my actions the good, bad, ugly and shameless. So this is my being accountable to all of you (or just the one viewer, so "heeeey" to you.) but here, I will be honest always. The things you want in life involve huge risk and nothing will ever be handed to you, ever.
I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared but having being complacent as my only other option, I have no other choice. I'm the product of a dysfunctional nuclear core (who isn't, these days), dishonesty, verbal and mental abuse ran rampant in our households. Growing up, I never had strong, confident female figures and that has shaped the woman that I am today. Was my mother horrible? No, she was an excellent parent but she was easily hurt, which turned her into someone very cold and spiteful. She could hold a grudge something fierce. Still, even with all of that she was the smartest woman I have come across but I see that she was a product of her environment, just like I am one of mine. And this is not about blaming or pointing fingers, deflecting attention away from the real issue which is I. In order to move forward, you have to make peace with your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it.
I'm tired of repeating, of making excuses just to feel better. At least now, when I fall I will do it honestly.
