Love. Self. Entirely.

It's not you. It's me.

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds. It is something one creates."

I think I'm influx in another identity crisis. I don't know if I have grandiose ideals of people or situations OR if I don't have high enough expectations and expect that things more often than not won't come to pass; I'm not exactly sure where on that spectrum I lie, I just know that it's time for me to stop allowing myself to exist there.

I will admit. I have been in a pretty foul mood lately not all the time but enough hours of the day that I'm starting to feel not like myself. I chop off some of it to my monthly hormonal cycle getting ready to rule it's head but I'll just fucking admit it, I'm just aggravated and fed up with bullshit (yes, including my own). 

I'm going home...

for a visit.

It's been awhile and I'm actually excited. I have already scheduled a date to see a friend and do some black Friday shopping. A play date(s) in DC, spending time with my white, gay boyfriend and  hopefully lots of drinking! OH, of course I'll see my daddy that's a given! He wants me to spend all my time with him but that's not happening - mainly because I'm not sure I could take it but I'm excited to see him. I haven't seen him since his surgery and I can't wait to be a daddies girl for a bit. I usually end up sitting with him, talking about life and watching movies and regress to being a 4 year old (in that, I always follow him around - ha). 

I haven't been this excited to go home in awhile. I guess I'm starting to miss my life up there NOT enough to move back though. I'm not sure I ever want to move back but I may entertain the idea of moving to the Washington metro area. Speaking of which, I need to check into George Washington for this program and start sending out resumes up there to see what bites.

I would like to be closer to my dad and my cool friends. I like that my brother is here in Atlanta but I'm ready for a change. I have some things on the back burner (that I will reveal shortly) that I'm putting into motion and 2010 will be an adventure for me, that's for sure. :)

I haven't felt this open and optimistic in a long time and for that reason alone, I'm truly grateful. I have so much I want to do and experience and now I know it was just me and my decisions keeping me from feeling this. I have so much homework due, I think I might take off later on today to take care of that and clean my room. I have to leave town to do derby things Friday night but when I come back, I have more homework and I need to catch up on stuff at the office. I have SO much that I need to do and it keeps growing so I need to take care of it before it gets out of control.

Thanksgiving can't get here quick enough. 

Traveling Free is Where I Wanna Be...

I personally think the universe is aligning itself to personally tell me something. For the past few months, I've been on this "search" trying to accentuate my life in some fashion or another. I knew playing derby wasn't it. Even though I love playing derby but that I was using it as a crutch...I didn't want to think about my options. I just wanted to woefully exist; for what, I'm not entirely certain. 

Yet lately, that has been harder and harder for me to do, my nomadic tendencies are full thrust sending my wanderlust and thirst for knowledge into overdrive. I can't ignore and I won't ignore it anymore. Last night, I talked to a retired derby chick who owns a local coffee shop here called Dr. Bombay's in Candler Park. Her friend signed her up for the local rotarian club that picked her to go to India for 4 weeks to help women start up their own businesses. A free spirit, she immediately told me about her life, spirituality, derby and the person she is today and who she hopes to become. I loved her immediately and I find it odd that I met someone like her now (or even if it's the only time we'll interact), it's odd that I met her when I'm trying to move forward in my own personal journey. Still, let me dip into my buried Southern roots for a moment long enough to exclaim that "the Lord is tryna tell me somethin'".

Next, lately I have been devouring the website of one, brother who is living life on his terms. I love and appreciate that but even though I'm quickly becoming a huge fan of his blog. I suggest everyone that reads this to check him out, his name is FlyBrother - gotta love that. I decided to read one of his guest posts at Travellious - which is a new site for me - about Sacrifice & Uncertainty. Reading his entry I, at once could feel the tears well up in my eyes NOT because the story was sad (and you all know me, I'm not an overly emotional chick) but because I could sense the freedom, the thirst for knowledge and quenching it and how travel mixed with strangers in a strange land shapes you as a person (and hopefully, the other person as well). It again reinforced to me that I want to travel the world with abandon, take pictures, write, paint and become healthy in both mind and body but even better than that I want to understand human connection and communication on a global level and I want to share that with the world. Not my art - even though, I'll share what I deem good - I want to share communication. Now, how do I connect that into a job or career is beyond me, maybe I'll have to create one for myself, who knows? At least, I'm heading in the right direction. For once, I feel like I should be doing this not for others but for myself. 

Wednesday Rant: Discover Yourself Today not Tomorrow.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Lately, I have been doing my best to move forward in my life and be as constructive as possible. I've made some bad decisions during the past 5 years - I'm not making excuses for any of them nor am I trying to sugar coat anything - but some of those mistakes have affected the choices that I'm currently allowed to make. For the past year or so, I've allowed those mistakes to cloud the perception of my present; I allowed them to become my mental "shackles" and keep me chained to all things I've done wrong and how I'd never be able to escape them. Which all culminated (along with other things) on March 2nd when I mentally just broke and hit my rock bottom. For the first time in my life, I was helpless, hopeless and vulnerable and alone. Single, no apparent goals, stuck in a place that I didn't want to be and I felt aimless. Like I could just drive off, leaving everything behind and just start over somewhere. Granted, reality struck and I realized I couldn't just shirk my responsibility but at the time it seemed rather nice.

I Left My Heart In Rio de Janeiro

While in Rio (I sound like I'm a jet setter) I stayed in a hostel called the Mango Tree - it was quite nice (in terms of a hostel). Yet, being that I was on my monthly "friend" at first I didn't want to go out of my way to be social. Besides, it seemed like most of the habitants wanted to stay inside or go to the bar (which I like too) but…HELLO, I'm in RIO  - no indoors allowed, por favor! So out, I went...and out I stayed for as long as I could. 

Being a lone female traveler I was quite wary about what would greet me in Rio. The murders, the crooked cops, prostitution, mugging – oh my! What would I do?

Well, act like you have some sense first of all. One thing in my favor that with my little hoodie pulled over my head I often looked like a local much to my amazement and probably to the other persons befuddledness as I often stared back wide eyed or spoke in jarred Portuguese that I'm sure was detrimental to their ears. I did get a lot of friendly smiles and help – mostly from the men and one lovely female bus attendant who made sure I got off at the right stop for Corcavado. I didn't even ask her directly; she must have heard my question of "Corcavado?" to the bus driver, which set off "GRINGA" in her head.

Still, I tried my best not to fall on what's familiar and try to make people speak English.  Call it the naïve "When in Rome…" mindset but even though my grasp of the language in itself is horrendous  I will stutter my way through a conversation even  if I have NO idea what I'm saying – which was most of the time.

I do understand the love affair that many have with Rio, though. It's quite an interesting juxtaposition; imagine the hustle and bustle of NY or DC traffic with the laid back vibe of Hawaii that would explain Rio's greatness.

I honestly wouldn't mind living there for a year maybe not forever but a year wouldn't be too bad. I think was a beach comber in a past life because for someone who can't swim at all; I love to be near water as much as possible.

The water was blue, the sand was white and I was there walking along the cobble stoned pathway being stopped ever so often by a local artisan or sand sculptor showing off their new artistic endeavor.

I didn't understand it all but I didn't care. Some things are better left unexplained and as I wandered the streets of Rio that's how I liked to keep some of those things.

After all, not everything needs a direct translation.

(This picture was taken on top of Corcavado - where Christ the Redeemer stands and looks over Rio de Janeiro, it's one of the things I've always wanted to see - it was truly breathtaking.)

I'm Still Here...Checking in from Porto Alegre, Brasil

I have missed you all and this blog checking in from my hotel in Porto Alegre. Tired of flying, so far 3 flights in the past 3 days...I'm tired of jetsetting!

Sending a brief hello, I'm too pooped to even type in English which I should be dying to do since I have read, heard and briefly spoke all things Portuguse since I've been here.

 

This homen (man) was flirting with me in Portuguese and gave me a big coconut...I wonder if there was a hidden message? By the way, coconut juice rocks straight from the source...coco agua in the bottle is nasty!

Changes All Around

Well, I’ve decided; I believe right now that I need to scale back my posting. I’m going to utilize the 3 posts a week method (even though I may post little snippets the other two days). Why do you ask? Well, between work (fulltime, teaching pole and casino) not to mention my two a week blogging for herproblog.com as well as preparing for the GRE, I’m swamped! I also want to work on promoting my site some more as well as checking out different blogs so I can start expanding my content into different arenas OR start a separate blog specifically for that. Still, by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer right now, my baby browns need the rest so that's a small portion of it as well. 

Not to mention, I’m applying to two PHD programs and I need to write for that, so yes, I’ll have to slow down on my blogging as of late. Which I’m sad about but I do need to give myself a break, my mind has been approaching meltdown for weeks and it’s finally arrived in all it’s glory. This time I can’t afford to lay around in mush for a day or two like usual because I have to train for roller derby, the GRE, apply to schools, etc. -- you get the idea.

Outside of that, I have some good news – let’s hope it comes to fruition. Guess where I might be going? Here is the flag to help with the cause.